*This entry is a part of a continuous series, reading the previous entries will help you follow without missing a beat*

James came back later in my life and we tried to make it work because truth be told, I LOVED me some him but we had too much history… bad history. A part of me will always love him though because he taught me a lot about myself and about life. See, James is a very intelligent man and he spoke wisdom most of the time. That second time around, James taught me how to eat right. He would exercise with me daily and he began speaking life into me. Our biggest downfall was James could see the speck in everyone else’s eye but not the log in his own. He had his own issues that he had yet to tackle and as I was growing the “Little Girl Lost” up (some with his help) we outgrew each other.  Anywho, I was proposed to three times including an actual engagement to James. He and I had went as far as planning the wedding down to our wedding location and everything but in each engagement, God always allowed some truth to surface before actually saying “I Do.” Each of these encounters were great lessons assisting me in my growth. Therefore, this “Little Girl Lost” still had some growing and healing to do before marriage.

I went to church with a friend one Sunday and felt God tugging on my heart so I opened up and let Him in. I gave up dancing, sexing, partying and smoking. I began working as a GSA Security Guard in government buildings (go figure! God can do anything!). God gave me so many ideas that I began seeking to speak again. I met Patrice & Gina Tsague who had an organization called Muticultural Youth Organization and I began to speak all over the DC Metropolitan area again, telling my story. Mentoring young girls. I created a positive T-shirt line with slogans such as “Face life head on,” “I am a Black Man…I don’t rob, steal or kill, now what?” “I am a Black Queen” to name a few. I began writing poetry and creating Poetry Plaques to sell. I was a natural creative hustler. I was being called on by Mayor Marion Barry, speaking on the same podiums as Eric Holder, Jim Vance and many others. I was doing what I loved.

The mentoring was beginning to take a toll on me. I wasn’t prepared for some of the nightmares these young girls were living. They were going through things that grown women couldn’t imagine and me, in my twenties was still grasping my own life. Their stories were making the “Little Girl Lost” slowly retreat to that corner. I would try to take them to church with me, out to eat with my kids and I and to museums/movies, etc…

That old negative tape began to play over and over in my head. What if you aren’t enough? How are you going to help these young girls when you don’t even love yourself enough yet? What if? What if? I couldn’t cope and I began smoking weed again, heavily. I started messing up my money mixing business and personal, taking bad business risks and before you knew it, it was the year 1998 and I had to file bankruptcy. My phones stopped ringing almost instantly due to bad choices! I was so devastated that I tried to take my own life by taking some pills. While drinking the charcoal at the hospital, I thought about how low I had fallen. My Spirit was broken and I could not see a way out of my own way…BUT GOD! I thought about my two beautiful children with each drink of charcoal to clear my stomach. What had I done? What was I doing? I went through many therapeutic sessions; some one on one and some with women whose problems seemed much bigger than mine. That experience had yet to hold much value in my life. I discreetly left the hospital and debated on ever sharing this with anyone.

In the meantime, my children and I had nowhere to go until a co-worker that I barely spoke to offered us a room in her apartment because we shared a mutual friend. I felt like such a failure, all I had left was my truck and job. I sat in my truck day in and day out reflecting, blaming, talking down to myself, having conversations with God, myself…trying to figure out how and why I got us in this situation. It was past time I take responsibility for all of the decisions I made in life, in love, in finances. I sat down and retraced my steps, owned up to all of the mistakes I made and asked God for forgiveness. His forgiveness was the easy part, forgiving myself was the challenge. God is so awesome in all that He does because in that time of dire need, he used someone that I never would have expected to help my children and I and had her open her home to us. I began to thank God and appreciate His blessings and His love for me.

We stayed in that room inside of my co-worker’s apartment for about two months before I was able to get another apartment. Can I tell you once I got the keys to our new place, I literally kissed the floor! We were all so excited to be back in something we could call our own. Before long, things were moving along and all was well…on the surface.

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