*This entry is a part of a continuous series, reading the previous entries will help you follow without missing a beat*I still had some inner demons lurking because the adult me was still trying to nurture, heal, love and raise the “Little Girl Lost” but she was stuck in this self-love part. I really had not even begun to scratch the surface in this area. I still felt a gaping hole within and longed for it to be filled and since sex was the thing I knew made me feel loved however temporary, I needed a man.

I had several relationships during this time but I was so insecure and it showed up in many ways. Every failed relationship in my mind was a confirmation that I was unlovable. I began focusing on my children and became super independent, so much so that guys began to tell me that I was too strong. I acted like I didn’t need a man. My rebuttal was always, “if you not man enough to handle me, then move on”. Whew! I was a pistol cocked and loaded! I started thinking I would get them before they get me so sex became my focus with relationships and if they got hurt in the process so be it. I ended up having a total of 5 abortions in my lifetime and a few miscarriages including the lost of twins. I was all over the place mentally and emotionally. Some nights I would blame my father for this because if he hadn’t left me, if only he had loved me enough to stay, if he had took care of me I would be better at this relationship thing, right?

Wrong! That is not taking responsibility. No one was to blame and no one could pull me out of this but me and the decisions I make from this point forward! Now I just need to figure out how! Lord, how do I get out of my own way?

The “Little Girl Lost” began to weep and I could feel her pulling further away back to her corner so I began to cry out for both of us:

Lord, I’ve been loving wrong for too long and it’s time to stop

I thought I was loving from my heart

But, you’re showing me that my love was dark

I wasn’t loving healthily and it’s been killing me

Even in my loving you, dark love was all I knew

So it’s been hard accepting that you could love me

after all I’ve been through

I’ve been abandoned and rejected at such an early age

Which led to people-pleasing and making plenty of mistakes

The child in me screaming, “I’m lovable” to everyone I meet

“I’m over here…Love me! Love me!”

Teach me to love God

Unconditionally, inwardly because it must begin with me

To accept that you love me in spite of myself

Loving me is the first step to loving anyone else

And I want this Lord

I’m ready to do the work

I’m hungry for it

I want to throw away the hurt

I once heard when the student is ready, the Teacher will appear

Well, I am ready to heal

And now my heart is open

I’m teachable, begging for freedom

Perfect love cast out all fear

So teach me to love Lord

Fearlessly, wholeheartedly and completely

Just as You love me.

“Little Girl Lost” eyes lit up as she ran back into my arms and hugged me tight!

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