*This entry is a part of a continuous series, reading the previous entries will help you follow without missing a beat*

Whew, honey rescuing the “Little Girl Lost” does not happen without some self-realization and confession. I had to guide the “Little Girl Lost” to confront my own demons and admit my part in this mess which was my life. I had become a prisoner of my own mind and it was high time for things to change.

Now that I acknowledge the “Little Girl Lost”, I am responsible for nurturing her and loving her in an effort to become whole with myself. Looking at the Woman in the mirror and telling truth to me was not easy, in fact it was downright painful.

I had to admit to myself the bad choices I made along the way…noooo, that was too much and I wasn’t quite ready for that type of responsibility. Besides I am the single mother of a little girl of my own.

There was this guy that was my friend for a few years but I always thought he was a cutie but I had a friend who was sexing him so I left it alone. My girlfriend that was sexing him had a boyfriend too so the day that our male friend asked us to go to the movies and she declined…I didn’t think twice about going.

Let’s call him “James” (name changed to protect the guilty) and I enjoyed the movie, went back to his house to watch the game and he threw a football at me. We started wrestling on his bed which quickly turned to kissing and before you knew it, we were naked wondering how we were gonna tell our girlfriend.

Needless to say, I told her because I didn’t want her to hear it from someone else and she rightfully cursed me out. I let her because it was wrong, I allowed her the time to vent about the situation but James and I had such a common bond and we were going places.

The friendship ended and James and I grew closer and closer together. By age 21 I was pregnant with my son. “No time to work on me”, or so I thought.

My son was by James, the love of my life…we are going to be a family. It seemed like this was true for awhile because he loved my daughter like she was his own, our son and me. We didn’t have much money but we did everything together. Problems began to arise when the streets grabbed a hold of him and he was starting to change a little bit, more controlling and demanding. I won’t tell his story…that is for him to do so I’ll just end it with our relationship became very volatile and he too, put hands on me…we fought a few times and finally broke up when I caught him cheating as well and he bruised my ribs. He told me no man was ever going to want me for more than sex and you know what? I believed him.

Life was rough…I had come to depend on James for everything. I really loved that man and now I had two kids with no job. Everything I owned, James bought and when he left, he took it all with him including panties and shoes. I had to find a job but how? I had no clothes!

My girlfriend who was a few sizes bigger than me at the time let me borrow some of her clothes to go on interviews. And so I did, pins tucking and hiding the size difference and I landed a job at Casual Corner- a clothing store. I was so excited! I purchased an outfit or two with my discount every payday. Not to mention, back then I was dating a hustler or two so it didn’t take long for my wardrobe to be back on point. I wanted my own money so I began doing little “favors” for dudes to earn my own cash. Sometimes these favors would take me out of town on day trips to pick up packages, shop and come home.

That dried up fast when one of the dudes got killed in NY on a trip I was supposed to be on. No more for me. I still needed that cash though because I needed to feed and clothe my kids and neither of their father’s were doing too much since they were beefing with me.

One day I was partying and a dude mentioned how tight my body was and how I could make a lot of money.  He said his boy was getting married and he wanted to throw him a hotel bachelor party…long story short; that was my first dancing gig.  I made $750 in one night dancing butterball naked with a mask on. Why a mask, you ask? For some reason, I always knew that I was going to make it far in this life and I didn’t want anyone coming back with a videotape of me dancing to throw in my face. It sounds crazy right? But I figured if I wore a mask, they would have to prove it. Yes, in the midst of all my dirt…I was still aware of my destiny. I recruited a partner in this and we began doing private parties every weekend with me paying her a cut. I had to get drunk and high to do this because I hated it. I hated dancing naked in front of strangers. I hated the girl on girl play for extra cash. I hated the propositions from married men. I began to loath men. I began to loath sex. I used sex as a tool to get what I wanted and I was very good at it. But I hated it. I was lonely. I was definitely playing out what James’ parting words to me were…no man would want me for more than sex.

During this time I was also introduced to “making pick up runs” for an old friend that paid extremely well for a few hours of my time on a Saturday. One day I was doing one of my runs shopping in NY when I had a very disturbing vision about these runs so needless to say, I made that one my last one and good thing too because in the coming weeks, everything hit the fan for those who remained. God pulled me out just in the nick of time, yet again.

http://www.sanjojendayi.com