Book Buying Addicts Anonymous discussion

When I lend out a book (like money), I consider it a gift. Then I'm not too stressed if it isn't returned or comes back as "less" than it went out. If I feel I can't afford to give because the cost is higher than I feel I can afford (emotionally or financially) to lose, I don't lend.

That it being said, there are still books I've lent out that never returned that I think of nostalgically. But at least not resentfully. :)

Ellie, I really like that philosophy. Changing the frame of reference from lending to giving makes for a completely different emotional engagement. You let go of the book at that point - as a gift. And I guess there is always that reference copy sitting on your Goodreads shelf. Lend a book now and it's not entirely gone for good any more!

I like that addendum: & I like to think that when I read a book, it becomes a part of me to a greater or lesser extent, for good or for not-so-good. So I can't ever lose that either.
But I like the idea that I have that outward symbol sitting there on my goodreads shelf.

Ellie, you make another good point. Perhaps it's because I feel that the books I've read, like yourself, are a part of me that I don't want to lose them. But as you say, that's not going to change whether I continue to have the book in my possession or not. And now, on this site, I always have a reference to it. If I do feel the need to read the book again it's only ever a couple of clicks away. Perhaps a bit of adjustment is required to this astonishing new virtual world!

Well, all that being said, I don't lend out books all that much. I often will think of a passage from something I've read years ago & want to go to the book & look it up immediately.

I know what you mean! You can never predict when there's going to be a call to refer to something, and it's rather comforting to know that the book you need will always be sitting there.

There are a few very special titles where I make the point of having spare copies, and will acquire more if I spot them, just so that I can lend them out to people without hesitation. I suppose that's the start of running my very own lending library!

I keep two copies of A Confederacy of Dunces so I have one for lending. I also have two sets of Pamela Aidan's "Fitzwilliam Darcy, Gentleman" trilogy so I can loan that out too. Those are the only titles I can think of.

Hey Bob. Its good to know I'm not alone in my obsession with books. Whenever I finish a book that I've borrowed from someone or the library, I go and buy my own copy. And lending my books is the hardest part, even if it is a second hand copy. My books are like my children.

Sophia, it is as Ellie said earlier, our books become part of who we are. We make this intellectual or emotional investment with our time and that is never lost, but having the book sitting there on a shelf serves as a reminder. I catch a title on a spine out of the corner of my eye and it triggers little memories or realisations. This obsession of ours could be construed as a bit sad, but the bottom line is that my book collection simply makes me happy!

As I slowly mirror my bookshelves on Goodreads, however, that is making me happy too. I'm finding that my virtual bookshelves are catching up in importance with my real bookshelves, not, mind you, that I'm ever expecting them to take over completely.

I went to a Library and BOUGHT bag full of books...

Bob wrote: "Sophia, it is as Ellie said earlier, our books become part of who we are. We make this intellectual or emotional investment with our time and that is never lost, but having the book sitting there o..."

This is why I shelved as many books as I could remember (including those-most, in fact-from before I joined Goodreads. I was able to remember some that I read as far back as 8 years old (that was about it). Just the process of trying to remember the books or the title of book the plot of or characters in which I remembered triggered so many memories, good, bad, whatever, but remembering & naming the books was like putting myself more completely together. If that makes any sense.

Ellie, yes, that does make complete sense! I still have almost all the books I've read except for those from childhood, but I did become aware recently of a few that have gone missing. It seems that a good book, once read, leaves an indelible mark in the mind. As you say, it's a matter of tuning in to bring those memories flooding back.

I'm holding off for a rainy day to spend adding more of my books to Goodreads, but the weather here (in England) this Spring had been so beautiful that I'm still (unusually) waiting for that day to come! Once I start I know it's going to be hard to stop. I've already found out that once I pick up a favourite book it's hard not to open it up at a page and read a sentence or two ... which becomes a page or two ... and then the whole afternoon has gone!

I'm still not completely in full understanding of my motivations to get all my books up here. I suspect part of it is that all the while my collection here is incomplete I feel like I'm not representing my true self on the site. Does that make sense to you?

I do feel as if you are baring your soul to the world here. In fact, I wrote about this on a blog post the other day, entitled The Goodreads Experience. A few people liked it so you may too. It touches a bit on what we've been talking about.

I will definitely check out your post. Thanks for telling me about it.

There is something, as you say, in the need to post all the books. I was absolutely consumed by the need-which was probably good because I needed the energy of an obsession to face that task! :)
But when I started getting responses, that's when I realized that I had also made myself vulnerable, that it was, as you write, as if my soul had been bared to the world. Truthfully, I freaked a little but I adjusted (maybe by increasing my level of denial, lol).

Gotta go check out a blob. :D

Ellie, you are the most widely read person I've ever come across here. No wonder the task of posting all your books here was all-consuming. I'm in awe! Thanks for the 'follow', which I take as a great compliment.

Megan, thanks for bringing us back on topic (apologies for the digression). In this company, thinking of your books as your babies is not weird at all!

I am happy to lend my books.

I do worry they may not be returned especially the ones I particularly love. Since I find most of my books really cheap I figure if isn't returned to me - I can re-purchase it.

What surprises me is how many people like their books to stay immaculate? I do not purposely bend the spine or dog-ear the pages or anything of the sort, however, I like well-read books. When I am reading a book I take care not to crease pages, bend the spine or otherwise damage it.. but if the book gets a little battered in my bag or the spine creases naturally (which some books do due to the way they are bound) - I'm content with that. In fact, friends are a bit scared of borrowing books since they hold the opinion I like them to stay perfect.. when in fact I like books to look read! Most of my collection is second hand. For example my entire Stephen King collection (aside from a couple of re-purchases due to covers falling off!) is second-hand extremely well-read books. A book that is in pristine condition seems to me an unloved book - which is a sad thing indeed!

I have a ton of books that I hope to one day set up in a room just for reading (ha! Sounds like a hoarder thing to say!). I think how nice it would be to be able to share my library with others. I decided to check out this discussion just to see what people had to say about the subject and the dreamy thoughts I had going went poof. I thought back to the times I loaned out books. My biggest problem is that I have a hard time saying no. "Can I borrow your Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that you bought at midnight at the most dangerous Wal-mart in the city?" Uh, sure, cuz I r stupid. After a month or so of not getting it back I finally just asked "It's destroyed, isn't it?" It was more of a memory that was destroyed in the end because it was the last time my daughter and I would be going out to get a Harry Potter book at midnight.
I am one of those people who does what I can to keep the books I buy in the same condition I bought them in. I'm even careful with library books no matter what they look like. Any time I have loaned a book to someone, I get it back and the first thing I want to ask is "Where is the book that I loaned you??" I buy mostly used books now, so it might be a little different if someone asked if they could borrow something. Well, it would still depend on the person I guess!

Bob wrote: "Ellie, you are the most widely read person I've ever come across here. No wonder the task of posting all your books here was all-consuming. I'm in awe! Thanks for the 'follow', which I take as a gr..."

I was impressed by your list!
And thank you.

If i give a book i expect to recieve it back in the same condition

I hate it when i ACCIDENTLY BEND PAGES ETC...

WwHEN i BUT BOOK - IF NEW i EXPECT IT TO LOOK LIKE THAT AND IF SECOND HAND THEN OK TO BE CREASED LOOK READ ETC.. AS LONG AS NOT FALLING APART OR CONDITION TOO BAD.bUT (SORRY BOUT CAPITALS ONLY JUST NOTICED IT AND DON'T WANTR TO START AGAIN)I don't want any further damage to happen whilst in my care

My friend has had my book (A brand new hardcover, I might add) for about a year now. I bring it up now and then so she doesn't forget, but I don't wanna be a dick about it. I just have a feeling that after so long, it won't be in good condition anymore.

I thought I was the only one!
I recently loaned a couple of my books to my best friend/cousin. I told her that I'm a total freak when it comes to books. She returned them months later and the corners were bent!
She said she would "try to be careful". Even though I love her, she will definitely not be borrowing my books again. I even bought her 4 great books to read. I told her to keep them. You know what she said? "Well, thanks. But I still want to borrow your other book."
*Sigh* I feel bad when I borrow books from my friends though. I take great care of them, but I just feel like I'm not giving back. I have only one friend who cares about books as much as me. We let each other borrow books. My cousin doesn't give much back. I let her borrow my things and she refuses to give me anything. Oh well. It's life.

Sophie, you've raised such a good point and got me thinking so hard that I've started a new topic for you! Go to Is a book in pristine condition loved or unloved?.

I like to have 2 copies of special books-1 to keep "pristine" & one to "love." Now I feel like I'm cheating on one of them.

The question is: which one?

Ooooh, what a wonderful response! A slut and a philosopher at one and the same time. You should post that on the new thread as well.

Yep-that's the rep I've always wanted!

I think I will (post on new thread)

I only lend books to my sister and my parents (which involves carrying several kgs of books in my suitacase on a plane across Europe when I go and visit them). After years of getting stung - having my books treated like rubbish by people or worse, never seeing them again, I have a 'no lending' policy. If I want to get rid of the book it's my decision and I take it to a charity shop so that at least the charity gets some money.

Basically, 'Just Say No'. I don't care if it embarrasses people.

Personally, I have a hard time lending ANYTHING out. From books, to homework, to clothing, to... well, you get the picture. I think it comes from me being a complete control freak. I can't imagine not being in control of something and it makes me tense and tight-chested when I'm not in control. I realize this is awful, but I just can't let anyone do things for me, including use my things.... :)

I just can't do it...People sometimes just forget to give stuff back when you lend something to them and books is just one thing I cant loose!

My uncle is always complaining how crap his local library is so I agreed to lend him some books on the understanding that he did not smoke when reading them and when not reading them, kept them sealed inside a bag to protect them. I hate the smell of smoke on books! The first books he returned to me were fine as he followed my rules but the second batch came home stinking of smoke and it took me over a week to get rid of the smell. He's not getting any more! I know he's family and I love him but he isn't respecting my beloved books!!!

Newbie here...

I glad to see I'm not alone in my book neuroses...
I don't lend books I buy. I would only lend those that I got from paperbackswap, and only if those are in non-pristine shape.
I'm a bit OCD about books too..so when I get a swapped book or borrow from the library I try not to think about what's been done to (or left stuck to) the books. ICKY.

I once took a chance and lent a book (paperback) and got a severaly creased spine and dogears back. The look on my face was priceless. The person never asked again.

If I ever lend books anymore it's usually a hard-cover to a co-worker I trust or my parents (at least at my parents I know where to find the books). I no longer lend paper backs, the last two times the books came back in less than stellar condition and I was seriously pissed.

Once long ago I lent books to a co-worker and never got them back. She kept forgetting, then got my address so she could mail them. I never got them back even though she insisted that she had mailed them. I insisted that she pay me for them. She didn't like it but she did. Unfortunately a couple of the books weren't ones I could replace.

Does, buying your ex a collectible - rare edition and regret it, count?

It's The Prophet from Khalil Gibran with 12 of his sketches. I asked for the book back from my ex after we broke up yet he never got around to returning it. I weep!

I actually get ridiculously nervous about borrowing books from people. I've only done it once or twice, and I'm so careful (I treat their book even better than I treat my own), but I'm so paranoid some sort of freak accident will happen and ruin their book. :)

A year or so ago I borrowed a paperback from my cousin's wife. It looked brand new (though she had read it), and I tried to be so careful when I was reading it.

I think you're the first to mention this Kristin-& it's so how I feel.

I have this book where i write everybook I buy. When i read them i cross it off so can see whats read and whats not

at the back of this book I have written who I have lent what to and cross them off when I get them back

What I don't understand is how some people can just forget to return something borrowed. Yeah, they may have been lent a battered old book, but it's still someone else's property and it's really disrespectful to just 'forget' or misplace them. Or just to not give them back at all. It's inconsiderate. If someone loans you something, it's not yours. Respect other people's property.

Nice to know I'm not the only person like that. I never lend books to anyone. As a general rule my books tend to be kept in good condition - I get annoyed at myself if a cover gets bent etc. I've had friends ask to borrow books and I always make up some excuse. I don't trust that they'll come back, or come back in the condition I lent them in. At the end of they day there's no shortage of bookshops or websites for people to buy their own copies.

I only lend out my books to close family members or very close friends. I have lost a total of 5 books and that was enough for me to not lend books out any more. Also with just not getting them back it was also the condition that I got them back in also. I have a pet peeve with my books and I don't like my books to be scratched, dog eared, or have the binds bent. So, that is when I started buying used books, so that way if one of my friends borrowed it, then it didn't matter what condition it was in when it came back. Now I always write down the book that I let someone borrow, so if they lose it, I can go out and buy another one.

I am a little crazy with my book collection :) But it works for me.

I don't like lending books out either. I will however, but I usually only lend out books that I have double copies of. And even though that means I still have a copy, I still expect my other back. I don't like getting my books back in terrible condition. I won't read them. I am a germaphobe...so seeing food or wet stains on pages, gets under my skin. Once you return it back in terrible condition, I won't lend out another one to that person.

Hi everyone, I'm new to the group, I stumbled upon it and had to join. Sometimes you just can't pass up a good deal on a book, even when your to read pile is slightly taller than you are. . .Anyway. . . I think I might be the exception in this topic because I am always trying to get people to borrow my books. Probably because what I read is not at all what anyone else I know reads and I always want to share what great books I've read, but there never seen to be any takers. . . But I've also never had any bad experiences with lending. The only time I ever lent out a book that got damaged, I had actually forgotten I'd lent it and only remembered when she came over apologizing for having it so long and had with her a brand new copy she'd ordered that was exactly the same edition as the one that had been ruined. . .That being said, I do have 2 books that I will never lend out to anyone, ever. But I have copies of them that I can read again and again or even lend out just so I don't even have to chance ruining the original copies.

@i once found blood on one of my christopher pike's as a kid; i threw the book out. now if a book is badly damaged like that, into the recycling bin it goes!!

I've been thinking-it's funny how people expect people to lend out books. I don't think there's anything else people think they have a right to borrow-let alone return messed up. "Can I borrow your dress?" Or if they do, return it torn & stained without even an apology.

But there seems to be something different about books. Something good-in that there's an assumption that books are meant to be shared, a message to be gotten out; but something negative as well-they're not important enough to matter how they're treated, it doesn't really count as property.

Any other thoughts on this?

It is nice how people want to share. i always like to talk about a book and offer to lend- they get a chance (if they were not a reader then would not)

However condition does matter it is our property and thus they should be returned as recieved

Its not like a van gogh where its there for all to share at the museum or a rare edition that you want to/ should share as can not get but a mass production book which you have paid for.

Share it out but expect to get it back.


also thats why we have libraries for those books that are not ours

Ellie, you've made a very good point there, and I'd not really thought about that before. Books have this dichotomy of value. I guess some people see the physical book as merely the messenger of the words within. It's just a vehicle for the writing and no more. And I do get that. For us on the forum here I think we embrace both the value of the content and the value of the book as a beautiful physical object. Indeed, the two become inextricably bound together. I suppose the other extreme is the book collector who is only interested in the physical book, a rare first edition perhaps, and has little interest in the writing.

What I'm learning here is that there is every shade of book lover between the two extremes. Perhaps the key is to communicate and make borrowers aware of where we stand. I think it's actually fine to refuse to lend a book if you explain why. There is always the option of buying them a second-hand copy as a present!

After a very recent problem with someone losing one of my most precious books (which they took without asking) I'm never ever going to lend someone a book again.

I have a problem with someone stealing one of my books which is what I call taking without asking.

I don't lend my books out any longer. One time I let a friend at work borrow one of my books. I got it back about a year later and it was damaged, mashed up, pages bent, etc.

My sister and I exchange books at times but not often. She has a Kindle now and buys her books that way instead.

Ellie wrote: "I've been thinking-it's funny how people expect people to lend out books. I don't think there's anything else people think they have a right to borrow-let alone return messed up. "Can I borrow your..."

Oh, that's so true! There have been times I have been reading around certain family members or coworkers,and they like the synopsis of the story and say that they wanna borrow it. And this seems so much more common with books. It's like you are strange for wanting to protect your books, and they were within their full rights to just borrow it. I don't mind sharing but I am very picky about how my stuff is treated.

Well, I can only read on Kindle now so the point is moot for me. But aside from a few TREASURED copies (Harry Potter midnight purchases, a copy of the book I was named for bought in Canturbury) i believe in circulating books as much as possible. The way I see it, a book is meant to be read and if it's on a shelf in my house it is under a bushel...hidden and not out in the world.

There is only one person I lend my books to as I know he will return them in the condition that he received them in.

Other than that I don't lend out my books.

Never lend books, for no one ever returns them; the only books I have in my library are books that other folks have lent me. ~Anatole France