Michael

“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
― Demetri Martin

“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!”
― Demetri Martin

“I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.”
― Demetri Martin

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.”
― Demetri Martin