Jen Lancaster's Blog, page 2

 I suspect whomever packed my delivered bags of groceries has a sense of humor.  

Fletch and I went to brunch with friends on Sunday and once we completed the gauntlet that is moving me safely from one place to the next (which includes two scooters, one set of crutches, and a half a dozen grab bars), I realized I had nothing to tell to anyone.     Apparently an important component of living one's life in an interesting manner entails occasionally leaving the damn house.    What's so ironic is that every time I'm crushed with a deadline, or whenever I'm on the seventeenth city

Fletch and I went to brunch with friends on Sunday and once we completed the gauntlet that is moving me safely from one place to the next (which includes two scooters, one set of crutches, and a half a dozen grab bars), I realized I had nothing to tell to anyone.Apparently an important component of living one's life in an interesting manner entails occasionally leaving the damn house.What's so ironic is that every time I'm crushed with a deadline, or whenever I'm on the seventeenth city of a twenty-two stop tour, I fantasize about "the ultimate snow day."  I envision myself warm and cozy at home, with nowhere to go and nothing I need to do.  I never picture myself infirm, per se, but there's always some factor that makes it necessary to stay in without the inherent guilt of being idle, say, with a terrible cold.  In my dream, I spend my days reading as the snow gently falls outside, with intermittent hot chocolate and cheesy movie breaks.Now that this is my reality, I realize the fantasy is WAY better because I've been bored and frustrated.  I'm not a go-fast kind of person, but I've since realized I'm not predisposed to standing still, either.  While I can leave the house on my own, and have been doing so, this takes so much energy that I've found I'm only capable of accomplishing one outing per day.(This afternoon's outing is a trip to the med spa for fresh fillers, which is super-exciting!  The downside of losing sixty pounds is that I've turned into one of those shrunken apple-headed dolls and I need to fix that shit, stat.)Fortunately, my new garage ramp arrives soon, which will make leaving/returning exponentially less difficult.  Fletch installed one last week, but as he's not terribly "math-y," he didn't properly estimate the angles.  As I gazed upon my new safety feature, I commented that the ramp had the same slope as that of an Olympic ski jump.When I speculated I'd be safer flying out the garage door Thelma and Louise-style, he said I was exaggerating.  So, I had him attempt the maiden run himself, fully aware that I might be too risk-adverse.  (I've been hyper-cautious, knowing that if I reinjure myself and have to start the recovery clock again, I WILL go all Dick Cheney.)  He mounted my scooter and rocketed down the incline lightning-fast, a human soap box derby, only managing to stop himself millimeters from splatting cartoon coyote-style into the car's door.Ashen and shaking, he quickly disassembled and re-boxed the far-too-steep, thirty-degree-grade ramp.Point?  I'm uninspired, so I've been creating little challenges for myself around the house.  I'm currently competing in what I call The Mind-Body Regatta.  This entails playing a round of Soda Crush, followed by a vigorous, timed lap around the house on my crutches, which is one hell of an ab workout.  I'm only allowing myself to play as long as I include the physical element.Speaking of Soda Crush, this game is exactly why I should never have access to so much free time.  Recently, the game's makers decided to add an interactive element.  Now, instead of competing against myself, I can see how others are doing on my level as well.  This would be of no interest, largely because I'm terrible and can never see any move beyond what's directly next.  But the upside is I can request lives from other players without having the app connected to Facebook.  (BTW, everyone on your timeline gives your gameplay the side-eye.  Telling you this as a friend.)As a player, I'm happy to give as many lives as requested since there's no limit or penalty.  Other players seem to reciprocate, which is a lovely bit of Internet karma.Everyone in my smallish, randomly assigned network is allowed the option of adding a screen name.  Most of us have clicked "enter" on this box, so there are dozens of "Your Names" in my league.  One player named Nenita began to ping my radar because he/she was always getting him/herself stuck in the Chocolate Canyon.  And each time Nenita was stuck, I'd happily honor the request for another life.Again, karma.Thing is, I noticed that Nenita refused to reciprocate.  Nenita was fine taking lives, but ignored any requests to give them.As a person with NOTHING BETTER TO DO, this bothered me.Deeply.Of course, this was Nenita's choice.  But it's a shitty, anti-community, bad karma choice, and, with the aforementioned nothing better to do, I've since appointed myself the Sheriff of Shitty, Anti-Community, Bad Karma.I decided to let Nenita know this aggression would not stand, so I changed my user name to NENITA ISN'T NICE and promptly laughed myself into an asthma attack.  Then I Baby Army Crawled up the stairs to inform Fletch of my evil plan.(Mostly he was just confused, largely because he was trying to do the calculations to order a different sized ramp.)Having to request a life from NENITA ISN'T NICE didn't stop Nenita from perpetually making requests and forever denying them, so I upped my game.For a week, I crafted a new Nenita-centric name every day.  I didn't want to make pejorative, bullying-type entries, especially if Nenita is twelve, yet as he/she still refused to share, I channeled all my creativity into creating short, not-quite-insulting monikers.The name that finally made him/her stop the non-reciprocal requests?NENITA EATS KALE.Point?I really hope my new ramp arrives today.

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I promised not to mention my stupid surgery again but I am a filthy fucking liar because it's all Achilles, all the time around here.  (Except for yesterday when I announced tour dates.  Am I coming to your town?  I hope so!)  Seriously, my knowledge level on all things "tendon rupture" is now encyclopedic and I have a PhD in DME.I'm NOT complaining because I'm lucky to be the best case scenario right now - I have no obligations that can't be fulfilled seated and at home, good insurance, a helpful husband/coterie of concerned friends, very little pain, and, because I ruptured my left tendon, the ability to drive.  Apparently this is key.  (Bonus - I have a two month pass on cleaning litter boxes!)For those of you who've dealt with this injury without some of/any of the previous, especially with kids in the mix, please know I am so sorry.  I can't imagine how hard that must have been, and I hope this happened in the distant past.For me, this whole situation is fine material because so much of it's funny... or will be once it's completely in the rear-view mirror.Until I lost use of the cable that essentially supports half my body, I took for granted simple tasks, like feeding the dogs or pulling an item off a high shelf or walking a cup of coffee across the room.  I certainly had no clue how Herculean daily chores such as bathing could be. I spent a week giving myself ear infections by washing my hair in dirty tub water until I figured out how to angle my knee-scooter in such a way that I could navigate over the six-inch entry threshold to the shower.That was a serious victory.After my first successful shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the big wall mirror behind the tub.  I was still naked, drying off with one knee perched on my scooter, jubilant in the newfound freedom to rinse in clean water.  As I took in the scene and all my reflected glory, I thought, "BBW on DME?  This is a REALLY specific type of fetish porn."Another plus is the whole experience has forced me to be clever in finding new ways to resume daily life activities.  (You know, triumph of the human spirit and all.)  Because reaching anything on the floor is a crapshoot, I now carry silicone-tipped barbecue tongs; I store them in my knee scooter's attached wire basket.Shameful, but useful.For the first week, I avoided the stairs.  But I realized I'd eventually need to use my office (and watch the big TV) so I perfected the move I call Baby Army Crawl up the stairs, not to be confused with The Upright Crab Scuttle I execute on the way down.  As these moves require use of both hands, I've taken to stuffing anything I need to carry in my clothes.For the record, Fletch patently refuses to remove the iPad from the back of my underpants, no matter how many times I explain that I'll fall off my crutches if I try to do it myself.What's particularly unfortunate is the only bottoms I can wear over my CAM boot are wide leg-yoga dealies.  Thing is, I bought them all sixty pounds ago, so they're too big and if I carry anything heavier in my pocket than a small water bottle, they begin to slip down when I'm on the crutches I use upstairs.  Most nights, I find myself in a race with the devil to get to the TV room couch before I finish pantsing myself.(No, as of yet I've not allowed visitors; why do you ask?)(Yes, I do use messenger bags to haul stuff up, but I keep forgetting them in my office.  There are literally four of them piled up next to me right now, which is why I had to carry my box of spinach salad tucked under my chin and the fork clenched between my teeth.)Still, every day I'm discovering what else I can do and that's so gratifying.  On Saturday, I figured out how to vacuum the house via scooter and before that, I roasted a chicken Thomas Keller-style.  (Of course, poor Fletch had to hear me crow about making a magnificent dinner with "one foot tied behind my back!" the whole night, but I believe it was worth it.)What's bothered me the most has been losing my fitness trajectory.  However, I've since been given the okay to get back in the pool for aqua aerobics, as long as I'm wearing my boot.  Woo!  The doctor said, "You can't hurt yourself in the water."  I chose not to mention how I'd hurt myself on the way home from the opera because I didn't want him to change his mind.I went to one session last week, but I was still pretty weak and I didn't have the right equipment.  I used a bathing cover that while "suitable for swimming" actually "sucked for swimming."  Yes, my boot stayed watertight under the plastic, but I had so much air trapped that I could not keep my leg submerged for the life of me.  Every thirty seconds my damn foot would burst up out of the water like the splashdown of the Apollo 15 command module Endeavor.  Very frustrating on all counts, especially when I was utterly wiped out for the two days following the session.I returned to aquacize today, with an additional week's worth of rest under my belt, as well as a cast cover with a pump to remove excess air and CLASS WAS AMAZING!Going forward, I won't take fitness for granted again, I'm sure of it.(Mostly.)Anyway, after class, I chatted with one of the nice ladies on my Lose to Win team.  Normally, I'd join her in the hot tub, but I feared that in the new air-tight rubber casing, I'd end up cooking my foot sous vide. (My friend Stacey may be the only person who laughs at this joke.  I am fine with that.)As we caught up, I mentioned that the biggest challenge thus far has been trying to maintain my dignity.  I told her about how a couple of nights ago, I made these gorgeous chocolate-dipped strawberries for Valentine's Day, thinking said dish seemed vaguely "romantic."  That night, Fletch came into the kitchen while I was eating one of the gorgeous, romantic berries.  He found me leaning over the sink to catch the chocolate crumbs while on my sheepskin-lined scooter with the barbecue tongs in the basket and sixteen ounces of diet iced tea in my pocket, pants flying at half-mast.(Happy Valentine's Day, baby!)That's when I realized the dignity ship has long since sailed.Still, I'm getting around and my attitude is improving daily.  Even though my new physical therapist tells me I'll need assistance walking for the next seven weeks, and despite the knowledge that I could be in therapy for A YEAR before the Achilles is back to normal, I feel good.  I'm happy, I'm grateful for my luck, and I'm really pleased that crutches and Baby Army Crawl have given me the kind of squared off shoulders I've wanted for years.And at least I can take comfort in the fact that I haven't posted MRI jpegs of my rupture yet... largely because the disc is still in my bra.

  I promised not to mention my stupid surgery again but I am a filthy fucking liar because it's all Achilles, all the time around here.  (Except for yesterday when I announced tour dates.  Am I coming to your town?  I hope so!)  Seriously, my knowledge level on all things "tendon rupture" is now encyclopedic and I have a PhD in DME.   I'm NOT complaining because I'm lucky to be the best case scenario right now - I have no obligations that can't be fulfilled seated and at home, good insurance, a

Here are your official I REGRET NOTHING tour dates!(Click on the calendarfor additional event details.)Monday, May 4th- Tribeca Barnes & Noble, NYC, NY, 6:00 PMTuesday, May 5th- Brooklyn Bookmarke Shoppe at the Cebu' Bar & Bistro, Brooklyn, NY, 7:00 PMWednesday, May 6th- Boston Love Letters Globe Insider/Boston Globe, in the Emerald Lounge at the Revere Hotel, Boston, MA, 7:00 PMThursday, May 7th- Bethesda Barnes & Noble, Bethesda, MD, 7:00 PMFriday, May 8th- Richmond Fountain Bookstore, offsite - address to come, Richmond, VA, 7:00 PMSaturday, May 9th- Naperville Anderson's Bookshop, Naperville, IL, 2:00 PMTuesday, May 12th- Dallas Barnes & Noble, Dallas, TX, 7:00 PMWednesday, May 13th- Kansas City Rainy Day Books at the Unity Temple, Kansas City, MO, 7:00 PMThursday, May 14th- Phoenix Changing Hands Bookstore, Phoenix, AZ, 7:00 PMFriday, May 15th- Seattle University Books, Seattle, WA, 7:00 PMSaturday, May 16th- Minneapolis Barnes & Noble, Edina, MN, 3:00 PMSunday, May 17th- Chicago Book Cellar, Chicago, IL, offsite - address and time to comeI'm waiting for confirmation on three additional midwest events, so please stay tuned.If I'm not coming to your city this spring, I'll do my best to get there for the BEST OF ENEMIES tour in August!

Here are your official I REGRET NOTHING tour dates!     (Click on the calendar for additional event details.)   Monday, May 4th - Tribeca Barnes & Noble, NYC, NY, 6:00 PM   Tuesday, May 5th - Brooklyn Bookmarke Shoppe at the Cebu' Bar & Bistro, Brooklyn, NY, 7:00 PM   Wednesday, May 6th - Boston Love Letters Globe Insider/Boston Globe, in the Emerald Lounge at the Revere Hotel, Boston, MA, 7:00 PM   Thursday, May 7th - Bethesda Barnes & Noble, Bethesda, MD, 7:00 PM   Friday, May 8th - Richmond

Spoiler alert - I owe the podiatrist a Coke.  Apparently I *did* need Achilles tendon rupture surgery, according to the ortho who performed the operation on Tuesday.   How was I so wrong?     I feel like I should sue myself for malpractice; it's almost like my WebMD degree isn't a real accredidation.   Anyway, I'm deeply disappointed that I can't find a nurse costume to fit Hambone as she's been my constant companion and caretaker. (Yes, they gave me morphine, why do you ask?)    

I've been begging for this ever since I learned it was an option and I'm so excited to announce that my pain-in-the-assery has finally paid off!

From now until 11/5, my first memoir Bitter Is the New Black is available for a $2.99 ebook download!  

The link to all platforms is here:

http://bit.ly/10yA3N4

(Or you can just pull up Amazon, BN.com, iBooks, etc. because I assume you don't need me to explain how to buy an ebook.)

(Also, to make it easier for those on the older model ereaders, the footnotes are embedded in the text in brackets, largely because I'm one of those people who's too lazy to do all that clicking just to find a footnote that reads "Damn.")

(And again, to anyone who's new here, please note the Netflix show about going to prison is an entirely different iteration of Is the New Black.  Although that memoir's really great - arguably far better - it's not part of this promotion.)

Happy reading!  And act now!