Jen Lancaster's Blog, page 3

I'm delighted to announce the Eighth Annual Witty Women event on October 16th!

Please join authors Stacey Ballis, Amy Guth, Claire Zulkey, Wendy McClure, and me for a night of wine, women, and wit! Hands down, this is everyone's favorite event of the year and we're all so happy to be together again.

The fun begins at 7:00 PM on October 16th at The Book Cellar on 4736 N. Lincoln Ave in Chicago. Reservations aren't required to attend this free event, but please arrive early to guarantee yourself a seat.

Personally, I'll be sharing the one-time-only tale of the Worst Trip Ever before I turn the whole thing into a screenplay. Highlights include The Unintentionally Creepiest Museum in Existence, The Curiously Large Butternut Squash (notable as the only point of interest on Syphilis Beach), Saint Gardening Glove, and so much more!

Hope to see you there!

I'm pleased to announce many exciting happenings this week before I go underground and finish two books in the next five months!  (Is the "because I'm a procrastinating moron" implied here or do I need to be more explicit?  Wait, don't answer that.)

First up on Thursday, I'm delighted to be in conversation with actress/author Jenny Mollen about her hilarious memoir I Like You Just the Way I Am.

She's outrageous and funny and, most importantly, smart, which is what initially caught my interest.  As I read on, I realized she hates all the stuff I hate, ergo she's now my girl.  Come see us here:

Thursday, June 19th at 6:00 PM
Lincoln Belmont Library
1659 W. Melrose
Chicago, IL

Books will be available by my friends at the Book Cellar.  As of now, there's no official event registration, but if that changes, I will keep you posted.

Next up, if the Jenny event weren't awesome enough, on Sunday I'm thrilled to be a part of the MONSTERS OF CHICK LIT SUMMER BAND-BACK-TOGETHER TOUR.  

Okay, it's not really called that.  

(Note to self - have tee shirts made anyway.)  

But when I have the honor/privilege of appearing with the amazing Sarah Pekkanen, Sarah Jio, Amy Hatvany, and Stacey Ballis, I feel this is what the event SHOULD have been titled.

Come be a part of the fun here:

Sunday, June 22nd at 1:00 PM (doors open at 12:00)
City Winery
1200 W. Randolph
Chicago, IL

Admission is $5 and includes a glass of sparkling wine and will be even more fun than the last time.  (Lunch!  Full bar!  I promise not to be sick this time and even if I am, I promise I won't make you feel my glands, which in retrospect was extra-weird and I am sorry.)  Books will be for sale by the Book Cellar.  

Tickets may be purchased in advance here.

Finally, I signed a six month lease with the Re-Invent Gallery in Lake Forest, so they're going to be handling my furniture sales exclusively through the end of the year.  If you're interested, please check out my wares here.

The YardappleVintage website displays the most current inventory to my knowledge.  (Meaning something might have sold while I was on vacation and I don't yet know about it.)  Please note I'm going to start including a free signed book of your choice with any furniture purchase.  

The available accessories aren't pictured yet, but I will post those soon.  Plus, I have a basement full of smaller pieces to paint if you're local and want something that fits in your car, so stay tuned because there's more to come!

Okay, I think that's enough damn excitement for a Monday.  

Please forgive any typos as this is the last official post I write on my antiquated old hamster-powered PC.  As of this afternoon - or as soon as Fletch gets around to it - I am finally, finally, grudgingly switching to Mac because I would kind of like shit to start working, what with two books due and all.

That's it!  Hope to see you this week!!

Here are the upcoming dates for the paperback release of The Tao of Martha which I really had planned to post sooner, were it not for technical difficulties as explained in the long-ass header:

TUESDAY, MAY 6
BROOKLYN, NY
The Bookmark Shoppe
8415 3rd Ave
7:00 PM
Guidelines:
One copy of THE TAO OF MARTHA is encouraged to be purchased at The Bookmark Shoppe to enter the signing line.


FRIDAY, May 9
LAKE FOREST, IL
Re-Invent Gallery
202 Wisconsin Ave
6:00 - 9:00 PM
This is more of an art opening than a traditional signing. You'll be able to peruse the furniture I've refurbished and reinvented, based on what I've learned/implemented from my year of living Martha. Books will be available for purchase (as well as the furniture itself) and I'll be speaking at 7:30. But feel free to drop in at any time, and the exhibit will run for a week.
 
THURSDAY, MAY 15
HIGHLAND PARK, IL
Highland Park Public Library
494 Laurel Ave
7:00 PM
Books will be sold by The Book Stall.
Guidelines:
One copy of THE TAO OF MARTHA is encouraged to be purchased from The Book Stall to enter the signing line.

I have a couple of other events coming up in June, all of which include other FAB authors, with details to come. On June 10th, I'll be with Liz Fenton and Lisa Steinke for their wonderful new book Your Perfect Life in conjunction with the Lake Forest book store. On June 22nd, we're getting the band back together (I mean, if we had a band) with a City Winery event including Stacey Ballis, Amy Hatvany, Sarah Pekkanen, and Sarah Jio, organized by The Book Cellar. This is going to be epic!


As The Tao is the paperback release of last year's hardcover and since I've already been on the road for a couple weeks this year, I've opted out of touring in conjunction with this particular book. I'm traveling extensively over the summer (got my Global Entry and everything!) for the new memoir and am engaged in a lot of book-related projects, so doing a huge re-launch didn't gel with my deadlines.

Ultimately, skipping tour for The Tao is good because I'm going on a major tour next summer. So, if I don't see you in NY or the Chicago 'burbs this summer, I hope to see you next May!
 
(P.S.  If you follwed me at facebook.com/authorjenlancaster, you'd have seen this message two weeks ago.)
 

Are you watching the show tonight?

Am I winning anything?

No.

There’s your answer.  I almost never watch.  Why would I invest the time in an award show where there’s no possible chance of me personally receiving a prize/a treat/the adulation of all my peers?

Aren’t you rooting for your favorites?

I have no favorites.  I haven’t seen any of the movies.  However, I did just watch three straight seasons of Workaholics.  Is Ders up for an Academy Award? 

No. 

Then, again, I don’t care.

So you’re not invited to any Oscar parties?

I’m not sure I could actually be friends with someone who took the Oscars seriously enough to plan a whole party around the notion of watching them.  No offense.  I’m just saying that I don’t need an excuse to eat popcorn and drink Chardonnay. 

Aren’t you interested in seeing the dresses?

Yes.  Which is why I’ll buy Us and People later this week.

What about the fashion snark?  What if Cate Banchett shows up in another throw rug?

Then Tom, Lorenzo, and the Fug Girls will cover it.

Don’t you enjoy being a small part of a greater whole, knowing the entire country is tuned in to the exact same thing you’re watching?

If the greater whole had better taste, Veronica Mars, Party Down, and My So Called Life would still be on the air.

Then I guess you’re not watching.

Nope.

And there’s nothing I can do to convince you that’s a mistake?

Nope.

So you’re just going to ignore the one night that essentially morphs into this giant generational touchstone for years to come?

Yes, that sounds like me.

 And you’re fine with missing out on the real-time tributes that are almost surely planned for both Philip Seymour Hoffman and Harold Ramis, arguably the greatest actor and the finest filmmaker ever to grace the silver screens?

* * *

* * *

* * *

So… I’ll meet you by the big TV at 7:00 with popcorn and Chardonnay?

It’s a date.

P.S. In entirely unrelated news that you'd already know if I ever bothered to update this thing, my new novel Twisted Sisters is currently a $2.99 download for the next week and a half!  For the price of a bottle of the increasingly poorly named Two Buck Chuck, this book could be yours!

Amazon - http://amzn.to/1epmB1n
Barnes & Noble - http://bit.ly/1mGbP8M
BAM - http://tinyurl.com/lhavp22
iTunes Books - http://tinyurl.com/m4btel7
Kobo - http://tinyurl.com/kw4569w

I have a couple of book announcements today, including tour dates for TWISTED SISTERS!

First, HERE I GO AGAIN will be available in paperback as of Tuesday, January 7th!  We changed the cover to what had originally been printed underneath the green book jacket and I'm delighted with how cute it is.  (Really, the inset was too good to not be featured more prominently.) 

I love this cover so much I want to give it my class ring to wear on a chain around its neck, FYI.

Anyway, if you dig a story about high school mean girls, time travel, the majesty of Whitesnake, and why karma really is a bitch, pre-order a paperback copy here, here, here, or here.  (Of course, ebook copies are available right now!)

As for TWISTED SISTERS, the hardcover and ebook come out on February 4th!  (Again, massive thanks to the art department because they captured the theme so beautifully.)

If you dig a story about sibling rivalry, body-swapping, and the magic that is reality television, this is the book for you!  You can pre-order your copies here, here, here, or here.

Now, how about some tour dates?  As I'm traveling in February, I'm being sent to places where it's not eighteen degrees below zero and there aren't twenty inches of snow.  If you live somewhere chilly, fear not - I'll be venturing into less temperate climates for the paperback release of THE TAO OF MARTHA in May.  (Let's all hope the snow is gone by then.) 

A drum-roll, please...

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4

AUSTIN, TX

BOOK PEOPLE

603 North Lamar

7:00 PM

Guidelines:

One copy of TWISTED SISTERS must be purchased at Book People to enter the signing line.

 

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5

HOUSTON, TX

BLUE WILLOW

14532 Memorial Drive

7:00 PM

Guidelines:

One copy of TWISTED SISTERS must be purchased at Blue Willow to enter the signing line.

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6

SAN FRANCISCO, CA

BOOKS INC

2251 Chestnut Street

7:00 PM

Guidelines:

One copy of TWISTED SISTERS must be purchased at Books Inc. to enter the signing line.

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7

PASADENA, CA

VROMAN’S BOOKSTORE

695 E. Colorado Blvd.

7:00 PM

Guidelines:

One copy of TWISTED SISTERS must be purchased at Vroman’s to enter the signing line.

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9

CHICAGO, IL

THEATRE WIT FREAKY FRIDAY MOVIE SCREENING (the most excellent version with Jodie Foster, none of that Lohan bullshit)

1229 W Belmont Ave

*Books sold by The Book Cellar

6:30 PM/ 6:00 PM doors open

Guidelines:

Ticketed event (cost and ordering instructions to come). Admission price includes a signed copy of TWISTED SISTERS, and a champagne toast.  I'll be singing books both before and after, too.

 

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12

DEERFIELD, IL

DEERFIELD PUBLIC LIBRARY

With Special Guest Stacey Ballis, author of OUT TO LUNCH

920 Waukegan Rd

*Books sold by Lake Forest Bookstore

7:00 PM

Guidelines:

Online registration is required. Register here.

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17

FAIRHOPE, AL

PAGE & PALETTE

“ Read It & Eat” Ticketed Luncheon

32 South Section Street

12:00 Noon

Guidelines:

Ticketed Event. $15 dollars to attend the luncheon with $5 applied to the purchase of TWISTED SISTERS.  (When I have more details on ticket purchase and actual venue, I will post them.)

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

JACKSONVILLE, FL

BARNES & NOBLE

St. Johns Town Center

10280 Midtown Parkway

7:00 PM

Guidelines:

One Jen Lancaster book must be purchased at Barnes & Noble in order to enter the signing line. Wristbands will be available morning of the event.

 

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19

ORLANDO, FL

BARNES & NOBLE

2418 East Colonial Drive

7:00 PM

Guidelines:

One copy of TWISTED SISTERS must be purchased at Barnes & Noble in order to enter the signing line.

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20

VERO BEACH, FL

VERO BEACH BOOK CENTER

392 21st Street

6:00 PM

Guidelines:

One copy of TWISTED SISTERS is strongly encouraged to be purchased at Vero Beach Book Center, but anyone to enter the signing line will be honored as well.

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21

FT. LAUDERDALE

Lit Lunch

2301 SE 17th Street

*Books sold by Barnes & Noble

11:30 AM

Guidelines:

Tickets can be purchased on the Lit Lunch website, and the ticket price includes a welcome cocktail, lunch and valet parking. Copies of the TAO OF MARTHA, as well as TWISTED SISTERS will be available for purchase.

 

Unless there's a specific mention of tickets being needed, the above events are free and open to all!  In some cases, the book sellers ask you to purchase a book on site if you want me to sign it.  As the book sellers put forth considerable time and expense to bring me in-house, I ask that you please comply with their rules.  Borders never used to enforce purchase in-house rules, and... well, no one digs the rest of that story.

That's if for now!  I'll post more details as I have them, so, thanks and hope to see you on the road!

 

Note:  I'm hosting a book club discussion on Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy on my Facebook Fan Page, if you'd like to join.  Here's what's posted there:

Hello, book club readers! 
Let’s talk about Bridget!

BTW, MANY, MANY PLOT POINTS AHEAD, PLEASE STOP READING THIS
NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SPOILED. 

OKAY, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

After a couple of weeks of consideration, I’m still not
entirely sure of how Helen Fielding’s Mad
About the Boy is sitting with me.   Last
fall, I couldn’t get over the feeling of good fortune I had when I heard this
was coming out as I’ve missed Bridget terribly. 
Maybe that’s because I’ve read both Bridget Jones books so many times I’ve
lost count and I watch the (first) movie whenever I run across the listing and
then spend the rest of the exclaiming, “I choose vodka and Chaka Kahn!”

Because of my own insane expectations/odd attachment, I
pretty much set myself up to be disappointed; nothing could hold up to my
memory of my most beloved character with her blue spaghetti and her scary
granny panties and handbag full of rotting filet steak.  I identified with so many aspects of her
life, which is likely why this particular book took me aback.  I really wasn’t anticipating Bridget losing
Mark – it’s too close to real life. 
Hopefully losing my husband isn’t something I’ll have to deal with for
decades, yet this book made me consider the eventualities.  (I’m reminded of that old Van Halen video for
the song Right Now, where it showed
the line Right Now God Is Killing Moms
and Dogs Because He Has To.)  These
loses are real, but they’re almost too much to consider.

Darcy’s death is so harsh, considering all I really wanted
was to read about my favorite girl faffing about in ill-fitting underwear.  Yet this speaks to Fielding’s talent, as the
easy choice was to simply let Daniel come in and cause a ruckus.  Such a story would have satisfied readers,
Fielding could cash her check with many zeroes on it, and everyone would go
home happy.   Death ups the ante, and Fielding took the
calculated risk that she might enrage her fans. 
She did it anyway, and I applaud her bravery because this choice took
her writing to another level.  The grief
Fielding was able to capture was masterful and powerful and absolutely
heartbreaking.  There Bridget was, living
her happily ever after, and suddenly the rug’s yanked out from underneath her.

And yet I have to say it again - no one wanted this for
Bridget.

As a reader, I HATED the choice Fielding made in offing
Darcy.

As author, I totally admire the choices Fielding made, and
that’s why I’m of two minds here.  Hell,
I feel like Bridget is “mine” and I’m just a fan.  I can’t imagine what it’s been like for
Fielding to have Bridget riding around in her head for the past two decades.  As I now write fiction – please note, largely due to the impact that Fielding’s
work had on my career – I understand how sometimes characters take over and
the story they want to tell isn’t the author’s choosing.  It’s possible that Bridget gave Fielding no other
choice but to write this situation.

I made peace with the loss of Darcy and I respect Fielding’s
choices as a professional.  Again, not my
first choice, but I understand.  And I’m
still moved by the emotional bits about seeing her husband’s face every time
she gazes at her son. 

I get it.  I do.

And then, somehow, once I was finally onboard, applauding Fielding
for her bravery, the entire narrative shifted to fart jokes and cringe-worth
texts to a man twenty years her junior.  There
I was, resolved to be sad and ready for Bridget to figure it all out, when she
throws all reason out the window and regresses to teenaged behavior on her way
to Cougartown.  That may have flown at
thirty but at fifty?  Not so much. 

I’m not sure why I was bothered so much by the massive shift
in Bridget’s priorities - perhaps because it’s scary that this is what might
happen to any of us in the same situation? 
In terms of story flow, I felt like far too much time was spent on the
younger guy, as the burgeoning relationship with the age-appropriate man was
tossed in at the end, almost as an afterthought.  I finished this book feeling like there were
more dots yet to be connected and I hate, hate, hate the idea of saying a
single critical word about Fielding, in a real “I’m not worthy” sense, as without her, I wouldn’t be here. 

I guess the bottom line here is that for the first time when
I finished a Bridget Jones book, I didn’t immediately open it again to start
from the beginning.

Will I read anything else by Fielding? 

Absolutely. 

Will I ever love her as much as I did before I read Mad About the Boy? 

Probably not.

I’ve pulled the following discussion questions from the guide
on RandomHouse.com, with my own added commentary. 

1. How did you react when
you read about Mark Darcy’s fate?  (Jen’s
note:  Other than HULK SMASH, I mean.)

2. Age is a major theme in
this novel. Why does Bridget feel the struggles more acutely than some of her
contemporaries?  (Jen’s note:  Or is that not
her inherent charm?)

3. Dating rules have
changed dramatically since Bridget’s last appearance. How well does she adapt?

4. Why does Roxster tell
Bridget he “hearts” her? (page 250). Does he really mean “love,” or is this
something else?  (Jen’s note:  Did you FUCKING HATE him like I did?)

5. On page 361, Tom tells
Bridget about a new survey: “It proves that the quality of someone’s
relationships is the biggest indicator of their long-term emotional health—not
so much the ‘significant other’ relationship, as the measure of happiness is
not your husband or boyfriend but the quality of the other relationships you
have around you.” How does this bode for Bridget? Which characters might have
cause for concern?  (Jen’s note:  Are you even invested enough in them to
care?) 

6. At the carol concert,
Mr. Wallaker looks at Bridget in a certain way and she realizes she loves him.
What finally brings her around?  (Jen’s
note:  Or was this entirely out of left
field for you, too?)

7. What is the significance
of the owl?

8. Bridget’s last entry
ties up the story in a cozy, comforting way. What do you imagine will happen
next?  (Jen’s note: How would you have written
this book differently?)

WITTY WOMEN

Before I get into this week's Martha Monday, I want to make sure everyone has the details about the upcoming Witty Women event:

Wednesday, October 23rd

7:00 PM (there's limited seating, so the event's first come, first serve)

The Book Cellar

4736 N. Lincoln Ave

Chicago, IL

This marks the seventh year Stacey Ballis, Amy Guth, Claire Zulkey, and I have gathered to read, discuss, and most importantly, make each other laugh in Chicago's best indie bookstore!  (And because it can't be said enough, the Book Cellar serves wine.)  We'd be thrilled for you to join us as this event is hands-down everyone's favorite of the year. 

Find more details here!   Hope to see you there!

MARTHA MONDAY

In terms of Martha Monday... I chalk painted some pumpkins and glittered others.  Then I gave myself The Smartest Person Alive Award for having the foresight to make this mess outdoors.  (Despite a million vacuum passes, my kitchen rug is still rather sparkly from last year.)

#WINNING!

I was able to hose everything down for clean-up in a matter of minutes.  And now the cement around the pool area is iridescent at night, so that's an added bonus.

However, I didn't actually finish decorating all the pumpkins.  The day after I began to paint/glitter I found out that I had a book synopsis due today.  Thus, I had a major priority shift, leaving me with a dozen unadorned pumpkins and gourds. 

Also?  Forfeited my Smartest Person Alive Award by not being aware of my own damn deadlines.

Here's a quick aside on why I might still be eligible for The Most Arrogant Asshole Alive award, though -  I was just reading my blog feed and I came across a sponsored post.  I was all, "Yeah, I write sponsored posts; they're called books."

Congratulations to me on my Assie!

Anyway, here's a partially decorated mantel:

So... that's it then? 

Yes, except to say that between this project and crowing about the stupid autumnal lattes at Starbucks, I've officially used up my allowance of saying the word "pumpkin" for the year.

Related note?  My friend Gina sent me this link, saying it somehow reminded her of me.  (Still dying over In Cider.)

As this is kind of a lame Martha Monday, I'd like to offer you a bonus piece of advice as well as another seriously tangential story.

RANDOM AND TANGENTIAL

I bought Fletch a Cuisinart 5-in-1 grill for his birthday, which apparently is the greatest present anyone's ever given in the history of presents.  Fletch keeps saying that I didn't give him a panini press so much as I've given him the gift of 1,000 sandwiches.  This may be the happiest I've ever seen him, which is sad for a variety of reasons. 

Speaking of Fletch and tangential stories, he and I have spent the last week grousing about how Breaking Bad has ruined other television shows for us.  (Yes, I'm tired of hearing us talk about this program, so I imagine you must be doubly weary.  For that I apologize.) 

I think for those of us so late to the BB party, mainstreaming back to network TV is more difficult.  You guys who were there from the beginning had all the awesome spread out over five years.  When the magic is too concentrated, it really highlights how lame all the other new shows are.

We've been trying to find something we like, so we watched the pilot for The Blacklist earlier this week, which would probably be fine on its own if for no reason other than my ex-boyfriend James Spader.  (Steff!  Bring your hotness back!!)  But after three solid weeks/sixty-two hours of binge-viewing the finest program ever written, acted, directed, and produced?  No.

We weren't fans of the first Blacklist episode.  But, it seems like everyone else I know digs it, so we gave it another shot last night and I'll admit I'm warming to the show.  When the credits rolled, we had this conversation:

Me:  So... that was better, right?

Fletch:  Oh, yeah!

Me:  Really?  You're awfully enthusiastic for a guy I saw rolling his eyes the whole time.

Fletch:  Well, it was better in that the second bite of a shit sandwich is better than the first.  The first bite is awful, horrible, the worst thing you ever tasted in your life.  But once you had that initial shock, the second bite is marginally less terrible.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT OF THIS POST AGAIN?

So... maybe my point is that this right here is why I don't have sponsored posts.  No one wants to pay me to promote their fantastic panini-press followed immediately by the imagery of a shit sandwich, even if it is just figural.

Anyway, for the next Martha Monday, I'll feature homemade apple pie (with bonus apples grown in my yard for extra smugness) and handmade ice cream! 

See you then!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First, and most importantly, I've finished watching Breaking Bad so I'm now able to return to social media/the news cycle/the world, etc. without fear of having the end ruined.  Years from now, someone will reference some event that happened while on self-imposed-spoiler-blackout and I'll have no idea what they're talking about, having missed an entire week of television news, talk radio, and the internet. 

(Since we finished the series last night, I've done little but read reviews and Buzzfeed coverage of the finale.)  

(Whomever started calling Todd's character "Meth Damon," please know you've garnered my undying affection.)

Anyway... it's Martha Monday!  This week I'd like to share a couple of painting projects I did when not tethered to the television.  This won't be a tutorial, per se, because there are a lot of talented people who can teach you far better than I could.  (Check out Brown Nest Blue Egg blogger Christen Bensten's videos here for excellent step-by-step advice.) 

Rather, in today's post, I'll be sharing the method to my madness.

What started me down this chalk-painted path is Martha Radio on Sirius XM.  Of everything Martha does, I love her radio show the most because it's - pardon the furniture pun - completely unvarnished.  There's no "take two," there's no script, it's just Martha's completely spontaneous and natural reaction to questions.  (And sometimes it's clear she's eating her lunch while broadcasting, which never fails to slay me.)

One day over the summer, a college girl phoned into the show and asked about cheap ways to decorate her new apartment.  Mind you, 99% of the time, I bow to Martha's expertise, but on this particular day, Martha suggested that the girl shop for furniture somewhere inexpensive like Macy's or Pottery Barn or Crate & Barrel.

Um... I don't know about you, but those stores are where my nice stuff comes from.

And, seriously?  No mention of IKEA?  None?  Even for meatballs?

I ruminated for a while - as that's what I do - and I started thinking about how I would have answered the question differently.  Personally, I'd have recommended that the girl buy thrift store pieces and chalk paint them. 

And then I realized that chalk painting... actually sounded like fun. 

There I was, with no book deadline for the first summer in eight years and craptacular pool weather, so I figured I'd give painting a try.  At worst, I'd waste a few bucks on paint, and at best, I'd be able to eventually give my bathroom cabinets a face-lift. 

Flash forward to now, where painting furniture has become a full-blown obsession, like to the point I either need to join a support group or set up shop on Etsy.

Ha, ha, ha, no, I'm not kidding.

Anyway, I'd been hearing about Annie Sloan Chalk Paint forever, but I never actually tried it.  If rumors were true, I'd be able to slap on coats without having to do the boring bits like sanding and priming.  (PAINT FOR LAZY GIRLS?  YES, PLEASE!) 

After buying a couple of pints, I realized I didn't actually have any stuff in need of a potentially shitty paint job, so I went to a thrift store to find an item I wouldn't care if I ruined.  I bought very ugly, yet very solid coffee table for $25.  I painted and distressed it, and then I suddenly felt like an enormous sucker for having given Pottery Barn all my money for mass-produced, veneer-covered junk that's been machine-made in factories on the other side of the world.

Do you believe in miracles?!

That's how I got started. 

Now, every couple of weeks I like to source materials to feed my habit.  I have a whole list of places I visit, such as furniture consignment outlets, charity thrift stores like Goodwill, Salvation Army, Habitat for Humanity Restore, and St. Vincent de Paul, as well as antique shops.  I migrate toward pieces that are inexpensive but I'll absolutely pay more for something with great lines.  I look for quality craftsmanship (like dovetail joints) and I'm not at all deterred by the condition of the furniture because I have secret weapon...

Will clamp for coffee.

A quick aside about Fletch - last week, he uttered the nine most terrifying words in the English language:

"I've been keeping a photo album for beard ideas."

Beard. Ideas.

I just... sigh.

Also, while we're on a tangent, I feel like I should show you the telephone down in the workshop:

Fletch bought the ones with massive buttons so he could peck out 9-1-1 with his nose, should he lose a finger to the band saw.  I wish I were kidding.

Anyway, when I make my rounds, I take pictures of stuff I like for future reference, knowing the price drops on consignment furniture each month it languishes in the store.

Soon.

Because Fletch is that kind of organized, the truck's always loaded with transport materials, such as clamps, gloves, blankets, and, of course, measuring tape.  Plus, he never comes out with me without being dressed to move furniture, always clad in work pants and sturdy boots.

Be prepared.

When I go by myself? 

Well, I'm not quite so uptight about the rules.

Hey, give me a little credit - at least I'm not accidentally showing you my dog's junk in this week's post.

Once I find the right piece at the right price, Fletch will securely store it in the back of the car.  Or, if I'm alone, I will shove it all in without hesitation or benefit of bungee.

Or, apparently, spider removal.

Here's a quick before of one of my projects this week:

Worth $12, coincidentally exactly how much I paid at the flea market.

Normally, I don't do much prep, but in this case, the lacquer was so cracked that I had no choice if I wanted a smooth surface.  (According to Fletch, that is.)  He insisted we strip the top and then I sanded off all the chips.  (Do I need to mention that he kept telling me that he was Walter White and I was Jessie in this scenario?)  Then I blended Annie Sloan's Louis Blue and Antibes paint to make mint green.  After painting, I decoupaged a map on top, distressed the paint with sandpaper, and aged the whole thing with dark wax.  To protect the paper, I sealed the top with polyurethane.

Here's the after:

I seriously love this so much!

I realize some of you are asking why I'd intentionally make a table look old.  Well, I've always dug the whole shabby chic vibe, and aged pieces are definitely in style.  And instead of this looking like a cookie-cutter, mass-produced piece of furniture, I've made something unique and with character.  Plus, there's something very satisfying about upcycling something otherwise bound for a landfill.

By the way, this is the workshop music of choice:

Ed Lover's show is the best - check out Channel 46 on Sirius!

Between Breaking Bad episodes, I also worked on a couple of other pieces this week.  In the photo with Fletch, you can see the before of a vintage telephone table.  That thing was all wacky-shack and Fletch discovered that someone had actually attempted a repair with chewing gum. 

(A brief pause for Fletch's righteous disgust.)

However, with some glue, some time, some paint, and some gum scraping, I turned it into a piece that could absolutely pair with anything from Restoration Hardware.

The telephone table in progress:

No, in fact I don't have any gum.

I did one quick, light, uneven coat of French Line brushed on in all directions, followed by some vigorous sanding, prior to applying dark wax.

One aged patina, coming right up.

And here's the finished product!

Before Walter took off for New Hampshire, but after Jessie was made to work as a slave in Meth Damon's uncle's lab, I also fixed up the spidery bachelor's chest as pictured in the truck. 

Here's the before:

Don't taze me, I mean, paint me , bro!

My horrible iPhone photography might lead you to believe that this is a gorgeous piece and should only be painted over under threat of death.  That is not the case.  Before I do anything, I look for the furniture stamp and conduct my research - I promise I'm not slopping chalk paint on actual Hepplewhite.

Although this piece is solid and nice, it's definitely a reproduction.  Because the joints aren't dovetail and as it's manufactured with screws, I knew that this wasn't a real antique, which is why I didn't hesitate to make it fresh and pretty with paint.  (Also, someone really scraped up the bottom when she dragged it out of the consignment shop wearing stupid heels.) 

In terms of hardware, Annie Sloan herself recommends simply painting over what's already there.  I've done that on a few pieces and I've found that I actually prefer my pieces to have a little contrast.  So, off the hardware comes, to be stored in a piece of Tupperware. 

DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP, UNLESS YOU ENJOY SEARCHING FOR ONE TINY SCREW ON THE VAST AND FILTHY BASEMENT FLOOR.

I like to paint the drawers separately, so they are removed and I begin on the body of the chest.

Painted with long, smooth strokes, and covered in two coats, with the couch the dogs ruined and six months of Spaghettios looming in the background.

Then, I sand very lightly along the edges, as I don't want a ton of distressing on this piece.

Are you nervous?  Don't be nervous.  I promise it will be okay.

Finally, I hit it with clear wax and reassemble for the finished product:

Ta-da!

I may eventually want to touch this up with a tiny bit of dark wax, but we'll see how I feel after looking at it for a few days.  Overall, I'm really pleased with the results (and the lack of spiders.)

So, there you have it - my take on chalk painting. 

If you like what you've seen, I'll likely have set up an Etsy shop by the next Martha Monday because now that we're not married to the television, Fletch has been making noise about reclaiming his portion of the basement.  (And apparently I can't bring much more in until something goes out.)

As for next week on Martha Monday, it's all pumpkins, all the time... with a side of pie and possibly Scandal on Netflix.

Until then... I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS.

(RIP, Walter White, you magnificently flawed bastard.) 

 

“Are you still living
by Martha’s dictates?”

I’ve been asked this question in every interview and at every
event since The Tao of Martha’s
release.

I’m pleased to say that I am, although I’ve been
remiss in documenting my continued progress. 
I guess I figure that once the book is written, my obligation to record
events ends.  Yet I find readers are
still interested, so I’ve been rethinking that strategy.

Therefore, I’m delighted to bring you a new feature – Martha
Monday!  Every Monday I’ll post about
some project/meal/various and sundry domestic accomplishment from my previous
week.  Not only will this get me back in the habit of writing after a glorious summer off, but I'll be even more likely to stick with good habits developed during the Tao. 

Or, things will go horribly awry and you can laugh at me. 

Either way, it's win-win, yes?

Here we go...

My awesome friend Lisa bought a place in Connecticut a couple of
years ago and since then, she’s hosted an annual weekend that’s come to be
known as Bitches at the Beach.  It’s
nothing but girls and gays and board games... and me lecturing everyone how the
Long Island Sound is actually an estuary, because I pretty much didn’t know
this word until I booked my first trip and I’ve since appointed myself the
foremost expert in all things estuary-related.

Estuary. 

Estuary. 

It’s a fun word to say, right?

Anyway, one of the friends who shares this weekend with us
is a lovely man named Taylor.  (Or at
least he’s lovely until we break out the Smart Ass game and then he is evil
incarnate.  Truly.  I have the pictures to prove it.) 

The first time we hung out, my friend Stacey and I learned that
he’s not much of a cook, but he’s trying. 
We both gave him advice and were delighted when he tweeted us a shot of
a pasta dinner he’d made after our trip.

This year at the beach, we were discussing slow cookers and
how this appliance could be the answer to all his dinner needs.  (Do we know how to party or what?)  Stacey shared her favorite tricks, of which
there are many; she even has a cookbook coming out next year!  I talked
about my stupid-simple, three-ingredient pork barbecue, as I clearly do not
have a cookbook coming out next year. 

I promised Taylor I’d write down the steps and send them to
him, but I’m the kind of asshole who immediately forgets each and every promise
that even remotely smacks of effort.

This last Saturday I decided to make my super-simple
barbecue as sustenance for our Breaking Bad
marathon.  (Still not finished watching,
so I’m avoiding all contact with everyone who could possibly spoil it for us until
we reach the finale.) 

Point?

I figured I’d finally write down all the steps for him
because it really, really is worth trying at home.  To be fair, this recipe is everywhere on the
internet and it’s certainly nothing I created. 
I could have just sent him a link, but because he’s a tentative cook, I
wanted to make sure I documented every single important bit or cause for
question. 

So, here’s what I sent him:

JEN’S BREAKING BAD
BARBECUE BINGE (with apologies to both Pioneer Woman and Thug Kitchen)

Ingredients

4 – 5 pounds of pork shoulder/Boston butt *

*Stacey could likely tell you the difference between the two
cuts, but for my purposes, they are interchangeable

12 oz. (ish) bottle of root beer*

*good bottled root beer, like the fancy craft-brewed stuff,
and not bullshit mass-produced root beer, because it makes a difference

1 bottle of your favorite barbecue sauce*

*I like the hickory flavored, mass-produced Sweet Baby Ray’s,
which neatly makes up for my craft-root-beer-snobbery

Directions

Cut your butt (heh) into four equal portions and place them
in a cold slow cooker.  Dump root beer
over them.  Cover and turn on high.  Walk away for six hours whilst the magic
happens.  Maybe you could see a movie or
something.  If you want, you can flip the
pieces at the three hour mark, but if you have better things to do, that’s
okay, too.

After six hours, your house will smell freaking amazing, yet
your pot will be full of gelatinous lumps of grayish brown meat bobbing merrily
along in horrible mystery liquid.  Don’t
run out of the room to order a pizza - I assure you that this is okay. 

With a slotted spoon, fish out the dubious hunks of flaccid
pork and set aside.  Dump the terrible
liquid down the sink ASAFP, ignoring your three dogs’ imploring gazes.  They do not need to taste the fatty root beer
juice, no matter how hard they beg.

(DOG PHOTO EDITED BECAUSE FLETCH SAID IT WAS GROSS.  I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS, BUT I TRUST HIS JUDGEMENT, SO NO UNINTENTIONAL DOG PORN FOR YOU.)

Put the drained meat back into the slow cooker and using two
forks, shred the pork.  If your pork
doesn’t essentially fall apart the second you touch it, then it didn’t cook long
enough and you already tossed the liquid, so I’m sorry, but you’re probably
going to want to order that pizza now. 
Perhaps I should have said something sooner.

As you shred the pork, you will think, “Huh.  Those gelatinous gray hunks appear no more
appetizing in shredded form.  Also, this
smells a bit like wet dog.”  Again, fear
not, dear Taylor – this is all part of the process.   This is when you squeeze in your entire bottle
of delicious sauce and you perpetrate your second miracle of the day.

At this point, you can set your slow cooker to simmer and
enjoy your barbecue whenever you’re ready to serve it, or you can stand over it
with both of your dirty forks and shovel it directly into your mouth. 

Really, either option works. 

If you’re feeling fancy, I’d suggest serving the pork on a
pretzel roll, topped with red cabbage slaw, but again, the double fork method
works equally well.  This barbecue will
go all Jesus-with-the-fishes-and-loaves on you and no matter how much you eat,
you’ll have more leftover because five pounds of pork really is a lot of meat.

Enjoy, and see you next summer!

* * *

So there you have it – the premiere installment of Martha
Monday!

Future Martha Mondays will definitely feature more photos –
as for today, there’s nothing aesthetically pleasing about gelatinous gray
lumps of meat.  Even the end product isn’t
terribly pretty, and also, it’s impossible to take a picture of something you’re
actively trying to cram into your maw. 

But, if somehow in embracing my inner (possibly white trash
version of) Martha makes the notion of cooking delicious pork barbecue less
scary, then I’m glad to have been of service.

For now, have an excellent week, hope you like the barbecue, and
for the love of all that is holy, please keep Walter White updates away from me.

And if you make friends with someone who owns a beach house this week, that's good, too.

I'm so excited to announce the finalized plans for next week's mini-tour with two of my favorite authors - Laurie Notaro AND Quinn Cummings! 

The three of us did a panel together at the Tucson Festival of Books last spring and had such a lovely time that we waned to take our show on the road.  Thanks to the brilliant teamwork of both Penguin Random House and Simon & Schuster, that's what we're doing! 

Come join the Three Amigas for a night of fun at:

 

Wednesday, September 11th

6:30 PM

Parnassus Books

3900 Hillsboro Pike

Nashville, TN

 

Thursday, September 12th

7:00 PM

Barnes & Noble

2900 Peachtree Road NE

Atlanta, GA

 

I'm really bummed I won't be able to attend the third event due to a scheduling conflict (and seriously limited flight schedules out of Charleston), but Laurie and Quinn will happily represent on:

 

Friday, September 13th

4:00 PM

Blue Bicycle Books

420 King Street

Charleston, SC

 

As soon as I receive any applicable signing rules for the events (such as wristbands, line tickets, etc.), I'll post them here.

Anyway, we're so thrilled to have the unique opportunity to tour together so we definitely hope to see you all!

Wait, we're headed south - clearly, I meant Y'ALL!!