Jen Lancaster's Blog, page 6

The year was 2009.

Captain Sully proved himself a hero, healthcare reform dominated the headlines, and Hostess Twinkies abounded.

These were simpler times.  Simple, more golden-delicious, artificial cream-filled times.

(RIP, Twinkie the Kid, and all your tasty friends, too.)

Regardless, perhaps what you most remember from 2009 was when Jacob Black removed his shirt for the first time in the film New Moon, awakening an entire Cougar Nation.  And thus began the first in the series of my Twilight doll reenactments.

Why not take a stroll down Memory Lane to see how it all started?

New Moon

Eclipse

Breaking Dawn, Part One

And that brings us to today, the end of an era. 

So without further ado, I give you Breaking Dawn, Part 2.

(Here we go again.)

Bella:  "I demand a damn makeover before the next movie.  I look like a pit bull found me in a basket in a shelf and then chewed on my face.  Seriously.  Make it happen or Imma be forced to bang someone else's husband."

Edward:  "On it.  You know what always makes me feel more like a vampire?  A cocktail dress."

Bella:  "Sweet.  By the way, am I still bulimic?"

Edward:  "Nope.  You can eat all you want and never gain an ounce."

Bella:  "Than an invitation, big boy?  'Cause I'm shootin' blanks now and the baby-brewing factory is out of commission."

Edward:  "Ugh.  Turns out I repressed the memory of your relentless pursuit of climbing me like Mt. Kilimanjaro.  I'll be honest - didn't hate it when you were comatose."

Bella:  "Noted.  So, dinner it is?"

Edward:  "I know a place."

Bella:  "Always wanted to slay a cougar."

Edward:  "I'm sure they feel the same about you."

Bella:  "Alrighty, time to make the donuts.  And by donuts, I mean -"

Edward:  "I know what you mean.  But I figured you may want to meet our kid at some point?"

Bella:  "Shit.  Totes forgot about her.  Yeah, whatevs."

Bella:  "That her?"

Jacob:  "Isn't she beautiful?  Don't you luff her so much?"

Bella:  "Sure has a lot of teeth for a newborn.  She a biter?"

Jacob:  "I'm going to be here beside her for her whole life."

Bella:  "Yeah, well, it takes a village.  Yo, Eddy - time for you to, ahem, park your car in my garage."

Edward:  "I'm overwhelmed by your parental instincts.  So you didn't notice the wolf's all FBO with your baby?"

Bella:  "She's already on Facebook?  How many Likes does she have?"

Bella:  "Whoa, hold the phone, Jacob - you imprinted on her?  Welcome to Perv Town, Population: You.  I am never going to forgive you... until you take off your shirt again.  But you can babysit for now because Edsel 'n me have a date with the beast with two backs.  Sayonara."

Jen:  Anyone else find it ironic that, even though these two are doing it in real life, their love scenes feel stilted?

Bella:  "No one asked you, fatty.  Anyway, Dward- let's role-play.  Let's say I'm an innocent college girl named Ana and you can be a wealthy industrialist named Christian with a penchant for bondage."

Edward:  "Pfft.  Who'd want to read about that?"

Jen:  THANK YOU.

Bella:  "Seriously, why are you still here?  Laters!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of Forks...

Jacob:  "Had to take my shirt off to explain some shit to Bella's dad."

Bella:  "Forgiven!"

Bella:  "Tell me, Charlie, do you find it implausible that we've suddenly adopted a little girl who we're calling our 'niece'?"

Charlie:  "No more implausible than me starring on a show where the lights go out and the only explanation we're able to offer viewers is 'physics went crazy.'"

Bella:  "What's up with Revolution, anyway?  If 'physics went crazy' how come people can use steam engines?  And why is everyone always walking across the country?  What happened to all the bikes?  And the boats?  And horses and Conestoga wagons?  And how come Kim Raver's character is always swaning around in impeccable cocktail dresses?  Does dry cleaning still work?  Is J. J. Abrams just messing with everyone?"

Charlie:  "Obvs."

Bella:  "Just as I suspected."  

Charlie:  "Hey, is Jen still trying to make that wallpaper happen?"

Bella:  "Unforch, yes.  Anyhoozle, gotta take my kid, um, no, niece on a walk in the woods.  I keep forgetting I'm a mom, I mean, aunt."

Bella:  "You are one special snowflake, kid."

Renesemme:  "Backatcha, Auntie Mommy."

Bella:  "Hey, do you get the feeling that we're being watched?"

Bella:  "I think it's that Denali chick Leslie Bibb."

Renesmme:  "Don't you mean Maggie Grace?"

Bella:  "Are they not the same person?"

Renesmee:  "Negatory."

Bella:  "Huh, coulda fooled me.  Anyway, good.  Shit was getting boring around here anyway.  I hope Leslie/Maggie woefully misinterprets what you are so that we'll be forced into a showdown with the Italians."

Later, back at the house...

Bella:  "Jesus, Alice, what happened to your face?"

Jen:  Sorry, really should have stored you guys on a higher shelf.  Apparently you're delicious.

Bella:  "Well, put a hat on her, for Christ's sake.  She's squicking me out.  You still have those snappy accessories?"

Jen:  Done.

Jen:  Okay, hat secured and I made the shot all blurry, like when camera guys smear Vaseline on the lens when they film Barbara Walters.

Bella:  "Thanks.  Now piss off.  Anyway, Alice - very important question: does immortality make me look fat?  Hey, wait, Alice... where are you going?"

Alice:  "Okay, I gotta blow.  But I'll leave a note on a page from The Merchant of Venice, which is some badass foreshadowing and an enormous "bite me" to everyone who believes Stephenie Meyers isn't literary (even if she does spell her first name wrong.)  In fact, according to Meyers, 'Alice tore a page from The Merchant of Venice because the end of Breaking Dawn was going to be somewhat similar: bloodshed appears inevitable, doom approaches, and then the power is reversed and the game is won by some clever verbal strategies; no blood is shed, and the romantic pairings all have a happily ever after.'  Suck on THAT, EL James."

Bella:  "Huh, what?  I just got boredom cancer."

Alice:  "I give up on you and your inner goddess."

Bella:  "Who?"

Edward:  "Unrelated, but did you notice that Renesmee just had a rather significant growth spurt?"

Jacob:  "I sure noticed!  Schwing!  Now, who wants to sit on Uncle Boyfriend Jacob's lap?"

Bella:  "Sorry, I don't see a difference."

Edward:  "Well, never mind that - we've got to protect our kid, our big, huge, weird kid, by gathering all the vampires we know from around the world to vouch for us."

All the Vampires We Know:  "S'up bitches?"

Bella:  "S'up with you?"

All the Vampires:  "If we're going to battle the Italians, you're going to have to get into fighting shape."

Bella:  "I knew I looked fat!  Yo, Edwardo, wanna help me work out?"

Edward:  "So what you're telling me that not only is our enormous child's life on the line, but our very existence is threatened and you want to take a TV time-out to do the monkey dance?"

Bella:  "Indeed!"

Edward:  "FML."

Bella:  "With relish!"

All the Vampires:  "Um, hey, the Italians are here."

The Italians:  "Can we just say we love your wallpaper?"

Jen:  Have at them.

Bella and Edward:  "Oh, noes!  Can we talk it out?"

The Italians:  "Fraid not, son."

Bella:  "Ooh, bummer.  Then we're going to have to go Olive Garden all over your asses."

Edward:  "What does that even mean?'

Bella:  "I thought it sounded menacing."

Edward:  "Not so much."

Bella:  "For real?  Not even a little?"

Edward:  "Nope."

The Italians:  "Scusa... we gonna make-a some battle here or drink-a Lambrusco?"

Bella and Edward:  "Clearly we're going to-"

All the Vampires:  "WE'RE GOING TO NOT SPOIL THE MOVIE FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE."

Bella:  "Fine, have it your way.  Some shit happens.  The some more shit happens.  Then everything is back to normal shit, alright?"

Edward:  "We can't give people a hint?  Even a small one?"

All the Vampires:  "Okay, check out this massive clue."

Bella:  "What does Patrick Duffy in a shower have to do with anything?"

Jen:  If you were Cougar-aged, you'd know.

Bella:  "Whatever, grandma."

Edward:  "Let's go celebrate all's well that ends well at the beach."

Bella:  "If this doesn't end with us all skinnydipping, then you people have wasted five years of my life."

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

 

Credits

Victoria and Laurent played by Barbie and Fletch

The Italians played by Our Dinner

The Second Victoria played by Bryce Dallas Howard, I mean, Betty Draper

The Wolf Pack played by Loki, Loki, and Maisy

Cougar played by Chuck Norris

And finally...

Roger Sterling was played by Roger Sterling

So that's it.

The end.

All over.

(It's okay if you're a little weepy.)

This has been consistently the most fun I've ever had as a writer and I thank you for indulging me.  But now we've come to the end of the doll re-enactments.

At least until the Fifty Shades movie.

Okay, so I saw Breaking Dawn, Part 2... and I had to wait for the lights to come up at the end because I had tears in my eyes and didn't want to walk out of the theater crying over this nonsense. 

Did I mention I was consumed by the BURNING, ANGRY FLAMES OF SHAME for letting the stupid credits get to me?  Since when am I a premenstrual fifteen year old girl?  (But you'll understand when you see it - I won't spoil it for you.)

Anyway, I'd planned to photograph and post my re-enactment today but I had to lie down when I got home because I thought I was going into diabetic shock from the metric ton of soda I received with my popcorn. 

I didn't actually want the medium Cherry Coke I received for upgrading to Popcorn Package One - I just liked the idea of saving a dollar by not purchasing a small soda and popcorn a la carte.  I'm not even a soda fan, per se, and I only drink it at the movies or with pizza.  Were I a Cherry Cokehead, I still wouldn't want to inhale a pickle bucket full of it.  I swear to you I had to grip this thing with two hands.  I was going to bring the cup with me after the movie to take a picture because this was literally the largest beverage I've ever seen, but I decided it was too heavy to carry to the car.  (Of course, the fault is all mine for continually sipping it throughout the movie, yet for the first time, I have to wonder if Mayor Bloomberg wasn't right.)

(TEAM BLOOMBERG?)

Point?  I missed the sunny part of the day because I was hallucinating from ingesting a hogshead full of liquid Pixie Stix, so now I'm going to work on the post tomorrow and put it up by Monday.

Since you came expecting awesome photos, how about I show you...

THE COVER FOR THE TAO OF MARTHA!!

I love this cover so much that I want to move to a progressive state and form a domestic partnership with it.  The cake!  The messed up banner!  The shrine to Martha!  The potential for salmonella from the eggshells!  The photoshoot was so fun and we all kept making suggestions like, "What if we wiped frosting on the apron and then threw sprinkles on it?"

Could not be happier here. 

So, the book comes out in June of 2013, largely because I'm still going to be writing it until January of 2013.

In other news, I'll be doing a mini-tour for Here I Go Again (which now drops on January 29th again, instead of February 5th, which was some sort of online retailer glitch) and here's where you can see me:

 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29

SAINT LOUIS , MO

Location TBA

*books sold by Left Bank Books

7 PM

Guidelines: The book talk is
free and open to the public. Purchase your copy of HERE I GO AGAIN in advance or at
the event from Left Bank Books to receive a ticket to the signing line.
Backlist will also be available for sale at the event, but you are also welcome
to bring your favorites from home for Jen to sign as well. People without
signing line tickets from Left Bank Books will be asked to wait until
the end to have their books signed.

 

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30

MOBILE , AL   

Location TBA

“Read it and Eat” luncheon

*books sold by Page & Palette

12 PM

Guidelines: This is a ticketed luncheon. To purchase tickets,
call Page & Palette at 251-928-5295.

 

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31

GREENVILLE , SC  

“Book Your Lunch”

The Lazy Goat

179 River Place

Greenville,
SC 29601

*books sold by Fiction Addiction

12:00 PM

Guidelines: This is a ticketed luncheon. To purchase tickets
call Fiction Addiction at 864-675-0540.

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1

PAWLEY’S ISLAND, SC

Luncheon at Pawley’s Plantation Clubhouse

70 Tanglewood
Dr.

Pawley’s Island,
SC 29585

*books sold by Litchfield Books

11:00 AM

Guidelines: This is a ticketed luncheon. To purchase tickets,
call Litchfield Books at 843-235-9600.

 

THURSDAY, FEBURARY 7

NAPERVILLE , IL

Anderson’s
Bookshop

123 West
Jefferson Ave.

Naperville,
IL 60540

7 PM

Guidelines: Anderson’s will issue signing line
numbers with a purchase of HERE I GO AGAIN. Books purchased outside the store
will be honored in addition to the purchase of HERE I GO AGAIN, but limited to
two per person.

 

I'll update these cities with locations as soon as they're determined.  Also, there's always a possibility for more tour dates later in the spring depending on sales, and I'll be doing a full tour in June for Martha, so if your city isn't here, fear not!

But, for right this minute, I'm planning to map out my Breaking Dawn photos... and eat some protein.

This Summer:

"Breaking Dawn Part 2 comes out in November?  Meh.  Kind of over it.  Am Team Can We Please Not Cheat on Edward Cullen, Because GOD."

Early Fall:

"Plus, those two hours I spent watching Kristen Stewart in Snow White and the Huntsman are two hours I'm never getting back."

Later That Day, Early Fall:

"Seriously, that film blew goats.  Sorry, but are we really supposed to suspend our disbelief that Queen Charlize-freaking-Theron doesn't think she's hotter than a skinny-but-not-toned-twenty-something homewrecker?  She won an Oscar and made out with Jason Bateman on Arrested Development!  And she can turn her body into bats and shit.  I don't buy it that her character was self-loathing.  I'd be all 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I still Charlize Theron?  Yes?  AWESOMESAUCE.'  Plus, all K Stew can do is let her mouth hang open to indicate the dramatic parts.  That's not acting, that's an oral exam.  Thank you, no."

Still Later That Day, Early Fall:

"But I hold none of this foolishness against huntsman and avenger Chris Hemsworth, soon to be starring in the remake of Red Dawn.  He's dreamy.  Related note?  Thrilled that the next generation will finally understand the importance of shouting WOLVERINES for comic effect." 

Last Month:

"So the trailer for BD2 is up?  Hated Part 1, so can't imagine I'll be into Part 2."

Later That Day Last Month:

"Renesmee is still the stupidest name I ever heard.  I will have no part of promoting this enterprise going forward."

Two Weeks Ago:

"And if I go, I'm obligated to do the thing with the dolls again.  Over it."

Last Week:

"Pfft, Fletch - I'm only watching Christinia Perri's One Thousand Years video yet again because it's free.  If we don't support YouTube then it will go away and I don't want to live in a world without gratuitous cat videos.  And most of those 53 million plays are not mine.  Most of them, anyway."

Later That Day Last Week:

"I have died every day wait-ing for you/Darling don't be afraid IIIII have loved you."

Still Later That Day Last Week:

"E-ver-y breath, ev-er-y hour has come to this."

Yet Even Later That Day Last Week:

"Time has brought your heart to me/I have loved you/I'll love you for a thousand more."

The Latest Part of the Day Late Last Week:

"Shut up!  I'm only listening to this song for work!"

The Very Latest Part of the Day Late Last Week:

"I do so have a job!"

This Morning:

"Really, K Stew, naked in a pantsuit?  Really?  Fairest of them all MY FAT ASS."

Later This Morning:

"One step clooooser/One step clooooooooooooser."

Just Now:

Tomorrow:

Shame. 

And doll reenactment. 

But mostly shame.

 

 Team I Hate Myself Charlize-Theron Style

 

 

So... hi.  What's new?

I've been gone from here for a while. 

I'm aware of that fact. 

I was made even more aware of that fact when a handful of readers saw fit to track down not only my personal email address but also my home address to demand answers on what I've been doing.

(Yes.  That's the kind of response that makes me want to come rushing back to my blog.)

So, where have I been?

The short answer is that sometimes I am busy.

That sounds like bullshit, but bear with me.  The long answer is that I pledged not to include any blog entries in The Tao of Martha and just about everything I'm doing right now is book-related.  Up until Tuesday, everything else taking up my time was election-related, and it's my policy not to write about politics.

(If social media is any indication, I'm the only person in the universe to have followed that policy.) 

Point?  Long-timey no-writey. 

I'm still consistently on Twitter @altgeldshrugged and whenever Fletch remembers what he changed my password to, I'll be back on Facebook.

(Worst. Assistant. Ever.)

Over the summer, there was some stuff going on behind the scenes and I didn't want to return with nothing to show for my absence. 

Following, you will find the high points.

First, a STARRED REVIEW (my first!) from Kirkus on Here I Go Again:

HERE I GO AGAIN [STARRED REVIEW!]
Author: Lancaster, Jen

Review Issue Date: November 1, 2012
Online Publish Date: October 10, 2012
Publisher:NAL/Berkley
Pages: 320
Price ( Hardcover ): $25.95
Publication Date: January 29, 2013
ISBN ( Hardcover ): 978-0-451-23672-2
Category: Fiction

In a whimsical twist on the Back to the Future scenario, a bully returns to her high school days to right some wrongs.

At 17, Lissy Ryder was the Mean Girl of Lyons Township High in suburban Chicago. As head cheerleader and girlfriend of the football team captain, Duke, she had a clique of cool girls in her thrall, and she persecuted anyone who was different or nonconformist. Now 37, Lissy, a publicist, lives only to overspend. After she’s fired by her PR firm for shirking, her husband, Duke, stops covering her massive debts and asks for a divorce. She’s gained a few pounds since moving back to her parents’ house and is not looking forward to the 20-year reunion of LTH’s class of ’92. Hoping to network with her former sycophants, she’s appalled to find that, without exception, her victims have outclassed and outperformed her. Amy, a girl Lissy mocked for her long nose, is now a plastic surgeon to the stars. One-time hippie outcast Debbie is now Deva, a New-Age entrepreneur. Brian, a dorky but attractive neighbor Lissy dumped for Duke, is an Internet couponing mogul. At the reunion, Lissy is the pariah. When Deva gives her a rare Incan potion, Lissy thinks it’s a hangover cure, until she wakes up in her parents’ house—in 1991! Lissy seizes this opportunity to avoid karmic missteps, dialing down the meanness. Back in the future, Lissy is not only happily hitched to Duke, but as the CEO of a thriving Chicago PR firm, is supporting him. She has it all, including the Birkin bag and the Gold Coast town house. However, now her victims are failures: Brian toils in a grim cubicle, the plastic surgeon is a trailer-trash drunk, etc. How can Lissy rectify the unintended consequences of her well-meaning do-over? The answer, while subject to many of the logical sinkholes typical of parallel-universe tales, is still unexpected enough for a fitting and none too treacly close.

Quantum physics was never funnier. A great read.

Badass, amirite?  In previous books, Kirkus may have alluded to wanting to kick me until dead (I might be editorializing) (slightly), so this is very, very exciting!

Here's the cover for Here I Go Again, by the way. 

The mirror is actually die-cut and the printing on the book itself is a bulletin board.  The pink comes from a shot of a prom dress that shows through.  Love this so much!  We're doing some cool things design-wise to make the book more collectible for those who prefer real pages over ereaders. 

(The footnote problem is solved for ereaders in so much as this book does not include footnotes.  I KNOW.  But my main character Lissy is kind of an asshole and the last thing she'd do is provide chatty little asides to readers.) 

(I promise you will not miss them here, okay?) 

If the nod from Kirkus weren't enough, I also received a starred review from Publishers Weekly, who also may or may not have also mentioned how my work inspired them to don their pointiest boots in other reviews.

Can't find the review online yet, but the print version calls this book "Mean Girls meets Back to the Future" and says that "Lancaster's as adept at fiction as she is at telling her own stories -no matter what she's writing, it's scathingly witty and lots of fun." 

SWEET!!

I loved writing this book and as there's a magical realism element, it's a complete departure from anything I've done previously.  The theme is really universal and the characters and situations are entirely new and unique.  Which means no one is going to mistake me for the main character.  (I realize now how confusing that was in If You Were Here.)  (I'm still so proud of that book, but I get why some readers found it disconcerting.)

Here I Go Again comes out on February 5th.  Please preorder here:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Books-A-Million

IndieBound

Target

Walmart

Target's site still lists the original release date of December 31st, but that's incorrect.  Originally, the book dropped then, but we found that bookstores didn't want to hold an event that night, or even that week.  Makes total sense to me, but I'm sorry if you were expecting the book sooner.  I hope it will have been worth the wait. 

Frankly, I'm relieved the publication date was pushed back because I'll be working on The Tao of Martha until January 15th and the idea of writing while touring makes me terror sweat. 

And speaking of the book about my year of living Martha, here's the biggest news from Deadline Hollywood:

EXCLUSIVE: After dipping her toe in the sitcom waters with a guest spot on CBS’ 2 Broke Girls last May, lifestyle mogul Martha Stewart is entering the space in a major way with Tao Of Martha, a single-camera comedy she is executive producing for Fox. The project, from Imagine TV and 20th TV, is based on Jen Lancaster’s upcoming book Tao Of Martha, which is in the vein of Julie And Julia, with domestic diva Stewart as a role model instead of cooking icon Julia Child.

The Tao Of Martha centers on a highly disorganized, scattered former party girl who decides she needs to grow up after her husband leaves her because he can’t handle her chaotic lifestyle anymore. She decides to kill two birds with one stone: become a better role model for her daughter and write a new book about changing her life according to the “teachings” of Martha Stewart. Jake In Progress creator Austin Winsberg will write the script and serve as showrunner. He executive produces with Stewart and Imagine’s Brian Grazer and Francie Calfo. Stweart is not attached to star but may make occasional, mostly voice-over appearances. The Tao of Martha book will be published next fall. Winsberg is repped by CAA, Underground and Warren Dern. Imagine and Stewart are with CAA.

So... yeah.  No pressure here to turn out my absolute best work now, right?

Truly, this is beyond my wildest dreams and I'm so grateful to all involved.  Originally, I was just hoping not to be sued by Omnimedia for pursuing the project.  (Spoiler alert: I am TEAM MARTHA, so it's in no way disrespectful to her, but you never know.)  So now to not only have her attorneys' blessings, but also to be excited enough to stand behind the concept which resulted in bids from Fox and NBC?  It's astounding and humbling.

Austin Winsberg, the screenwriter, was the one who figured out how to take my book concept and turn it into a sitcom and I'm awed by his ability.  There are lots more steps if and when this will ever appear on your television, but I have complete confidence that Austin will make it great.

Anyway, all of this brings me back to my original point that sometimes I am legitimately busy, and not just sitting around watching Nashville.  (Even though it is an outstanding show.  Connie Britton is transcendent.)  That means if you don't hear from me more frequently, there's no need to call my house.

Seriously.

God.

In non-Jen-related-news, I'm so excited to mention that the Young House Love book is now out!  You guys know how adorable I think Sherry and John are and I could not be more proud of them for their efforts!  Anyone who's spent two months watching their husband repaint a dresser (ahem) will be exceptionally inspired and motivated by their projects.

Look how cute it is/they are:

Find out all about them here.

Also, my friend Chris Mann (who you'll remember from The Voice) has released his new album Roads!  I'm thrilled for his well-earned success!  You can download the album here and follow him on Twitter here.

Or you can see him five seconds before Fletch put him in a headlock here:

Personally, I'd go for the album because the music is incredible!

Anyway, that's it for now. 

All is well and I'm grateful for your patience.

Except for those who came to my house. 

You're just jerks.

 

Sometimes what I write and what I mean to write are diametrically opposed... like, when Ambien is involved.

Now, a quick caveat before someone signs me up for the Betty Ford Center - the Ambien stories are few and far between.  Ninety-nine percent of the time, I take my pill, read my book, possibly eat a piece of cheese, and then fall asleep, exactly as God and Sanofi-Aventis intended.

It's only about one percent of the time that anything happens, e.g. ordering Barbie heads, skinny jeans, or seatbelt extenders.  And the odd reaction is usually the result of either being dehydrated or not having consumed enough protein during the day.

Point?

Last night, I was the one percent.

To backtrack, I had guests up here this weekend.  One of my friends mentioned first how her dentist doesn't do teeth whitening and then later that her dermatologist doesn't perform cosmetic procedures.  As I am nothing if not business-minded, this made me twitchy.  I kept exclaiming, "Your doctors are leaving money on the table!" 

(Note: no one else seemed bothered.)

Such was the extent that the doctors' lack of entrepreneurial spirit bothered me, I kept thinking about business-type ideas after my friends left.  I would look at the most basic of household items and then come up with suggestions on how one might profit from it.  For example, I happened to be cleaning out the fridge when I came across a bunch of little tubs of ranch dressing left over from a packaged salad that accidentally froze and I thought, Ah, yes.. there's an idea here.

So I began to figure out how one might monetize ranch dressing.  I came up an "I'd dip that in ranch!" campaign, envisioning it as a Stuff White People Like-type tumblr.  Every day I'd feature some beautifully photographed item that would be made more delicious when dipped in ranch dressing, e.g French fries or grilled cheese sandwiches.  Seriously, name almost anything and it would taste better dipped in ranch.  Like, a stalk of broccoli is nice, but dipped in ranch?  It's a treat worthy of a dinner party!  But I'd make each entry funny, like one day showing a shot of Channing Tatum, because, come on, ladies. 

Channing Tatum dipped in ranch? 

Yes.

Then I pictured said website becoming a cult favorite and all of a sudden Big Dressing comes a-calling and offers to buy the whole thing for a check containing many zeroes.

Brilliant.

(FYI, Fletch thought this idea was dumb, particularly the Channing Tatum part.)

(Fletch is not a visionary.)

Yet I cracked myself up about this the whole night and at random intervals, I'd shout, "I'd dip that in ranch!" to the point that Fletch went upstairs to watch Falling Skies by himself.  (He said he was going to anyway.)

I kicked the phrase around so much that it actually began to morph into an idea for a television pilot - I envisioned a couple of best friends who adore each other but are polar opposites, yet circumstances force them to live together.  I'm talking The Odd Couple meets Two Broke Girls only less Tony Randall and fewer graphic discussions of ones downstairs ladyparts.

(By fewer, I mean none.)

Somehow they'd come together in this pilot and all the action would turn because of the one roommate's passion for trying to make the "I'd Dip That in Ranch!" website happen.  They'd end up fleeing from corporate America to run a food truck and would have hilarious and delightful misunderstandings in the neighborhood and with one another.

I'm not kidding you, I would watch this.

I would.

I mean it.

Oh, come on. 

It's not the worst idea in the world. 

(Cavemen, anyone?)

So, I knew I was seeing Stacey for lunch today and I made a mental note to mention it to her.

Then I took my Ambien.

That's when my silly little idea began to take on epic proportions.  I figured I'd best get this down on paper before anyone stole it from me or did it first, so I grabbed my iPad and wrote Stacey the following:

Okay,do not let my Ambien buzz dissuade you for the badness poroporotins i'mma put I from of you to tomorrow with out new pilot we're writing based Ion the nicotine "I'd dip that in ranch!". See, yiu're an uptight felix foodie and I'm your bestie Oscar who just lost her house and has to move I wit tiy.  We clash over our differences but bond ove the one. Niversal truth - evening tasted better dipped in ranch.

BEETS OON RWNCH!

Friend pickles in ranch!

Freshu veg with ranch!

French friens with ranch!

And we ciudk go to town with a food truth and lake stander shy try all out four shit with ranch and theync'd be all RANCH RANCH YES YKU ARE GIRL GENUSISES

E

I

We ciudk trademt k "I'd dip that in ranch' and the sell to the hidden valley consortium for ALL OF the THINGS

THIS IS GENIUS GENIUS I AM TELLING YIU.

All UR buttermilk are belong to us!

pS copied fletch o case he needs to ruthis past the lawyers land accountants and they keepers of the RWNCH

MEEELIONS AMD MEEELIONS AND MEEELIONS OF DOLLARS FOR US!!

See YIU tomotto!!!

Sent from my iPad 

For good measure, I also tweeted her:

@staceyballis - checch your email for brilliant Ambien bindersest plan! He who controls The RANCH CONTROLS HE WORLD,!!

I particularly like how I misspelled/autocorrected everything except for the "Hidden Valley Consortium."

Anyway, I had lunch with Stacey today.  

The bad news is she's probably not going to work on this pilot with me.

I guess she doesn't want meeelions and meeelions of dollars.

However, I'm pretty sure she's going to write up the incident in her own words, like the whole drapes thing a few years ago.

Also, I dipped my fries in Thousand Island today.  Not quite as good as ranch. But not bad, either. 

You know, I bet I could make something happen here from a business perspective...

Thousand Island Dressing Is the New Ranch.

Yes.

You heard it here first.

* * *

And here we are with Stacey's take...

 

First, a couple of updates before I get to the reading list:

TONIGHT!

I'm going to be on Twitter tonight discussing Jeneration X at 8:00 PM EST.  You can ask me questions at @altgeldshrugged and follow the discussion with the hashtag #readpenguin.  Hope to see you there!

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Now, for the social media experiment, it was a success... of sorts.  In this small case study, I determined that - at least for my purposes - people talking about me on social media doesn't translate directly into people buying my books.  To be fair, I garnered more Twitter followers, and gained "likes" on Facebook which may result in sales later, but in terms of actual money being given to actual booksellers for actual (or virtual) books? 

Not so much. 

What's interesting to note is that all the Facebook mentions lost me a significant number of "likes" from friends who quickly tired of seeing my name pop up on their feeds. 

Again, it's possible that in the long term, sales will trend upward but in terms of immediate cause and effect, the relation was negligible. 

Really didn't see that coming.

From a business perspective, my goal was to figure out if I should bring in a social media/SEO expert or contract more of an old-school publicist and this neatly answered my question.  I think there's so much noise/chatter right now in the social media realm that it's losing its efficacy and I need to go more old school in terms of hiring someone with actual media contacts.  Regardless, I really appreciate everyone participating and helping me make my decision!  (I'll leave the link to the short story live for a few more days.)

THE TAO OF DOING STUFF

As for the rest of the summer, I'm going to be slammed working on projects for The Tao of Martha, so posting will be very light in July and August.  And, some readers tell me they don't like when bits of the blog are turned into larger chapters in books, so I plan to fix that immediately and in perpetuity.  The Martha memoir will be 100% original content, which means that smaller asides won't be on the blog first.  This will make for a better book, so, really, it's a good thing, even if you hear from me less frequently in the interim. 

BTW, the novel Here I Go Again is also 100% brand-new material, as I was not a high school mean girl (much), was not a Whitesnake aficionado, nor have I ever time-traveled.

BEST! EVENT! EVER!

For those of you who are local, here's a quick reminder of what's happening in a couple of weeks:

Friday, July 13th at 7:00 PM

CHICKLITPALOOZA WITH JENNIFERS WEINER AND LANCASTER, SARAH PEKKANEN, AND STACEY BALLIS!!

LAKE ZURICH MIDDLE SCHOOL SOUTH

435 W. Cuba Rd

Lake Zurich, IL

Free tickets are available HERE and Lake Forest Books will be onsite selling books. If you're interested, register now!  I guarantee that Stacey Ballis, Sarah Pekkanen, and Jennifer Weiner and I will delight and entertain and we'll be more than worth the price of (free) admission.

AND NOW, THE SUMMER READING LIST!

That brings me to my unintentional summer reading list.  I still plan to feature my Summer of Other reads by new authors via tweets/FB, but I feel this list is significant enough to post here. 

Here's the story - my dear friend Angie is leaving to teach in China for two months.  (Yay for her, boo for me!)  She was telling me that she just got a Kindle Fire and had planned to spend the summer reading all the free classics that are available.  But somehow the idea of her being half a world away with only the company of Thomas Hardy was too much for me to take.

(At least that was my thought process after I swallowed my Ambien.)

So I decided to send her a book on her Kindle.

Yet what I wanted to send was written by my friend Stacey, and that's problematic as apparently you can't preorder a gift for someone else on her Kindle.

Or maybe you can, if you're not all Ambien-addled.

This is what I meant to buy for Angie:

From Amazon's description:

As the executive culinary assistant to celebrity Chicago chef Patrick Conlon, Alana Ostermann works behind the scenes—and that’s just the way she likes it. But with developing recipes for Patrick’s cookbooks, training his sous chefs, picking out the perfect birthday gifts for his ex-mother-in-law, and dealing with the fallout from his romantic escapades, she barely has a personal life, much less time to spend with her combo platter of a mutt, Dumpling.

Then a fluke online connection brings her RJ, a transplant from Tennessee, who adds some Southern spice to her life. Suddenly Alana’s priorities shift, and Patrick—and Dumpling—find themselves facing a rival for her time and affection. With RJ in the mix, and some serious decisions to make about her personal and professional future, Alana must discover the perfect balance of work and play, money and meaning, to bring it all to the table—one delicious dish at a time…

What Amazon doesn't tell you is that one of her characters is absolutely based on me.  I can't not get behind that and I thought having fictional me with Angie would help if she got homesick. 

Or maybe make her happy being thousands of miles away.

(By the way, it's not too late to win a lunch with Stacey and me!)

Anyway, I couldn't get the gift pre-order to work. 

So to show Amazon who's boss, I decided to buy her some other books.

(No, I don't really understand my Ambien-logic either.)

But the way I figure it, the titles I sent her are all my favorite things I read in the past six months.  So if they're significant enough for my subconscious to note them, then I'm obligated to share.  I'll leave you guys to check out the covers and descriptions (am very lazy) but here's my quick take on each:

White Girl Problems by Babe Walker - I thought it would be helpful for Angie to know that there's someone out there more narcissistic than I am.  Granted, Babe's actually fictional, but still.  Good to know.

Spring Fever by Mary Kay Andrews - Sassy southern fiction and I love MKA so much I want to wear her skin as a coat.  (Is that wrong?)

11/22/63 by Stephen King - Quite simply the best book I've ever read.  Possibly the best book ever written.  Or at least way more interesting than Thomas Hardy.

Domestic Violets by Matthew Norman - Wonderful in the way that Johnathan Tropper is wonderful.  Complex, imperfect characters and a scathing sense of humor wrapped around an ending in which everyone's invested.

Silver Girl by Elin Hilderbrand - A fictionalized take on the woman behind the man behind the ponzi scheme.  And total porn for those who love beach houses.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green - It's YA but it's the best YA I've ever read, and very likely one of the best books I've ever read.  When I met John Green, I grilled him on how exactly he was able to morph into having been a teenage girl with cancer.  I can't recall his exact answer because I was too busy fangirling out.

Me & Emma by Elizabeth Flock - Hung out with Liz the last time I was in New York and fell madly, passionately in love with her.  And then I realized even though I was a fan of her writing, I'd never read her biggest book.  Remedied that right quick and was riveted the whole time.

A Grown-Up Kind of Pretty by Joshilyn Jackson - Joshilyn Jackson's books give me the big, ugly cry every damn time.  So worth it and her best work yet.

The Arrivals by Meg Mitchell Moore - This novel is what happens when your adult children return to the nest.  All of them.  It's about family and summer and the consequences of not acting like grown ups. It's perfection.

Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter - I bought this one because the cover was dreamy and I wanted to support new female authors.  As this book has been topping the NYT list since its release and was written by a very successful male author with a long-established career, I am an asshole.  But I'm an asshole who can pick the most gorgeous, hilarious, fascinating reads apparently.

These Girls by Sarah Pekkanen - I love Sarah forever and ever and I will never stop advocating her brilliant work on the dynamics of women's relationships. 

Still Life with Husband by Lauren Fox - An intense character study on what leads a spouse to cheat, while being both funny and bittersweet.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn - In a word?  Breathtaking.  Bought it because my friend Karyn told me I had to.  Then I spent two nights in a row up until 4:00 AM because I could not get enough of this did-he-or-didn't-he-kill-his-wife mystery.  Again, small wonder it's been topping the NYT list.   

Afterwards by Rosamund Lupton - I don't know how to categorize this one.  Is it a mystery?  A love story?  Magical realism?  Regardless, this is the kind of hauntingly beautiful book that stays with you for weeks afterward.

I Couldn't Love You More by Jillian Medoff - An exploration of what happens when a parent is forced to choose which child she'd save.  I could not put this one down.

The Expats by Chris Pavone - Every time I though this story about an ex-CIA agent wife couldn't take another twist or turn, bam!  I call this kind of book a bather, meaning I had to sit in the tub rather than shower because I was so remiss to stop reading.  And if someone doesn't make this into a movie starring Jennifer Garner, then my world no longer makes sense. 

And finally... I bought Angie the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. 

To be very clear, I read the first one in the series and I did not like it.

Wait, that's an understatement. 

In fact, I hated this novel more than anything I've ever read, and that's after reading Tyra Bank's five-hundred page dystopian YA novel about modeling.  (Am I jealous of the series' success?  OH, HELL YES.)  (But that is beside the point.)  (I just feel like there are only so many times you can hit stuff with riding crops until it becomes less "sexy" and more "hilarious.")  Yet in my Ambient state, I rationalized that if Angie's sad and lonely in her little apartment in China and missing family and awesome friends, then all she has to do is open this thing and she will instantly laugh herself back into a good mood.

So, that's it.

For some of you, see you tonight on Twitter! 

For others, see you in Lake Zurich!

For others still, see you here some time later this summer!

For Angie, see you when you're home from China!

(And please bring me back a treat.)

Setting: Starbucks, last week, with my friend Laurie.

Me: "... so that's everything that happened while I was in New York."

Laurie:  "Sounds like you had a great time!"

Me:  "Yeah, it was super-fun.  Well, except for my cancer scare, of course."

Laurie:  "Wait, what happened?"

Me:  "Well, I discovered a black spot inside my cheek."

Laurie:  "Oh, my God, how did you notice it?"

Me:  "I was looking at my throat, like I always do."

Laurie:  *puzzled*

Me: (clarifying) "In my magnifying mirror."

Laurie:  "Why?"

Me:  "What do you mean 'why?'  I was looking at my throat like everyone looks at their throat, so, clearly I'm quite familiar with the topography of my mouth and when I saw this spot-"

Laurie:  "I'm curious, how often do you look inside your mouth?"

Me:  "Is that relevant?  The point is I thought I had cancer.  But I probably look in there, what?  Three or four times a day?  When I brush my teeth, when I put on my makeup, when I wash my face, you know, the usual."

Laurie:  "Nope.  No.  That is not 'the usual.'  People don't spend a lot of time looking inside their mouths."

Me:  "Really?"

Laurie:  "Really."

Me:  "Huh.  Fletch told me the same thing.  Weird.  But as someone who gets strep all the time and has perpetual sore throats, I like to keep up to date on what's happening in there.  I've been told I have unusually small tonsils, too.  Ironic, right?  The one thing on me that's small is my stupid tonsils.  And I'm always checking on the status of my porcelain fillings, too.  Those things crack like teacups, largely because they're made of teacups.  Anyway, when I saw the spot, I was all, 'Shit, I have cancer.'"

Laurie:  "You don't smoke or chew tobacco."

Me:  "Of course not.  And by the way?  You do not want to Google the images for oral cancer."

Laurie:  "Clearly.  So what happened?"

Me:  "I called Fletch in a panic because I wanted him to set up an ENT appointment as soon as I was back from New York."

Laurie:  "You've been to the doctor?"

Me:  "Um... no.  Fletch said I didn't have oral cancer.  He said... he said I probably had just eaten something pointy and that the spot would clear up in the morning."

Laurie: "I know where this is going, don't I?"

Me:  "Yeah.  Turns out the problem was less 'oral cancer' and more 'pineapple margaritas and tortilla chips.'"

Laurie:  "Well, that's a relief."

The conversation turns to roses and Mad Men and new books, but before we leave, I query her again.

Me:  "So... you're saying people really don't spend a lot of time looking inside their mouths?"

Laurie:  "They really don't."

Me:  "Then how do they self-diagnose?"

Laurie:  "Oh, honey... I think you just answered your own question."

I wish I could quit you, Web MD.

* * *

Remember, it's Social Media Experiment week!  If you tweet, please use the hashtag #JenLancaster!

 

Early last month:  I stay in a hotel in Scottsdale with a cool little espresso maker in my room.  I drink fifteen thousand of them because they are free and the process to make them is easy and at no point am I able to shut my eyes while in the state of Arizona.  When I leave the following morning, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of flying to my next stop under my own steam.

The rest of last month:  Hem and haw over whether or not I should buy the cool little espresso maker.  In terms of espresso makers, they're on the cheap end and the end result is professional-grade.  Look in stores like Williams-Sonoma for the model I want.  They have it, but I would have to join Nespresso Club to get actual coffee pods.  This smacks of far too much effort.

Early this month:  Watch an ad for Nespresso and pull up their website.  Learn that if I want to even see what varieties of coffee pods they offer, I have to sign up for the Nespresso Club.  I equate this with joining a gang - easy to get in, impossible to get out.  Declare shenanigans and log off.  Haunted by Nespresso ads every time I log on after this.  Annoyed.  Determined to NOT buy Nespresso maker due to level of annoyance.

Last week:  Take an Ambien and bring iPad into bedroom. 

Yesterday morning:  Ambien-order-induced espresso machine and pods arrive from Amazon, as do a bottle of exotic gardenia scented shampoo, a very large leopard print bra, SPF 4 tanning oil, twenty four rollerball pens, and homeopathic pills to treat my non-existent yeast infection.

Yesterday noon:  Set up machine and take for a test run.  Ooh!  As fast as I remember!  Just press a button and then, bang!  Espresso!  Mmm!  Tasty-delicious!

Yesterday afternoon:  But they're so small!  And so quick to make!  I could stand here debating about having one more espresso, or I could pop in a pod and think about this over a wee cup of paradise!  Granted, I can see my heart beating outside of my chest, but that's probably really aerobic and healthy!

Yesterday after dinner:  Come on, another one's not going to bother me!!!  I'm not impacted by caffeine like I used to be!!!  I can handle it!!!  WHO WANTS TO WRESTLE???

Last night at midnight: 

Me - "Hey, Fletch, do you feel like taking a run right now?  Because I kind of feel like taking a run!!  Maybe do some windsprints up and down the driveway???" 

Fletch - "No!  Can't run!  No running!!  Too busy looking at espresso serving options on iPad!  See!  We can get the demitasse!Or the regular espresso mug!Or a cappuccino mug!Ooh, let's find the Lavazza ones they have at Inovasi with the logo!Those would be perfect!Yes!We'll do that!Orwecouldgetthemall!!" 

Me - "Yes!!  Okay, you do that and I'm going to run the stairs and then paint the garage door!"

Earlier this morning:  Going online to join stupid club to order decaf pods after sleepless night.

Right now:  In two espresso deep and it's not even 9:00 AM.  Switching my order to next day delivery.

*This is not a sponsored post because I don't do those.  Yet I would be willing to sell my firstborn for pods! pods! more pods! which is fairly ironic if you think about it.

I want to try something. 

I want to gauge the power of social media.

And I'm going to give you something in return for helping.

But before I get to the experiment, allow me to take care of this bit of house-keeping.

*SKIP OVER THIS BORING PART IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT BOOK PLATES OR FOOTNOTES*

First, book plates!  If for any reason you did not receive your book plate after you filled out the pre-order form, please email your address to [email protected] and she will personally make sure you receive it.  I'm so sorry that this turned into a chore for a few of you and I can't apologize enough.  If we do the pre-order book plate bonus next year, we'll have a better system in place so there's no frustration on anyone's part.  (Particularly mine.)

Next, footnotes.

Please note that I did not put any profanity in front of the word footnote. 

But believe me, I'm thinking it. 

What started off as a cute gimmick because I couldn't stop overwriting eventually became my trademark. Then ereaders went mainstream and they became the bane of my existence.  Currently ereader technology does not allow for stack-overflow, which would place the footnotes at the bottom of the page like God intended.  To make up for this, we've revised all the electronic copies to have the footnotes placed in the regular text, like so:

See the part the pen points to in brackets and italics?  That's the footnote.  No muss, no fuss, no numbers.  If you buy a new electronic copy of Jeneration X (or any of the other books) I've been assured that the footnotes are all displayed this way.  And that there should be a reader's note at the beginning explaining this. 

If that is not the case, I'm going to kick someone until they are dead, likely myself.

If you bought an ebook before we updated all the files, simply contact your ebook customer service people for an updated copy.  However, I'm told that all the retailers emailed their customers to tell them the new version was available for free.  (But as most people delete what looks like spam, perhaps you didn't get the memo?)

Again, I understand how frustrating this is.  No one wants to have to get instructions on how to read a damn book.  Seriously, ARGH, HULK SMASH.  And I am sorry.  I'm looking into new ways to do the footnotes for the Tao of Martha and I don't use them at all in the novel Here I Go Again because they weren't appropriate.  In that book, Lissy Ryder is a prototypical mean girl and chatty asides didn't mesh with her character.

Anyway, let us never speak of #%$^@ing footnotes again.

*BORING PART OVER, HERE COMES THE FREE BIT*

For the next week, I'm asking you to please do me a favor and talk about my writing on a social media platform.  I'm making this request because as authors we're told that social media mentions are tantamount to success. 

And I believe this. 

But I'm curious to see exactly what extent. 

I mean, what if we've all been fooled and social media is a tempest in a teapot? 

What if it all boils down to bookstore placement and print ads?

So... please talk about me for the next week.  Not All Jen, All the Time certainly because that's creepy on all our parts.  But a mention, if you will.  A share here or there.  For example, if there's a line you loved in Jen X, please tweet it.  Have you been working on your own reluctant adulthood?  Let your network know.  Have you found yourself Flashdance-undressing in a parking lot, too?  Share it with the class.

This experiment doesn't just pertain to Jeneration X.  Can't stop quoting Bitter?  Then do it online. 

Or, if you agree that, say, Skinny Cow should spell their ads correctly, Facebook it. 

Like photos of my roses or dogs?  Pin 'em. 

Tumblr your reviews on my books, or tell Amazon, BN.com, or Goodreads. 

Microblog. 

Vlog.

Digg it, Stumble Upon it, or Chime In.  Yammer, Chatter, or Google .

Youtube that shit.

Discuss in a community forum.

I'm not even asking you to be nice.  Being human, that's my preference, of course, but it's not a hard and fast rule.  (Plus, it's not my business to tell you how you feel, even if I don't agree.)  (Unless you do it on my fan page and I have to block you to keep everyone from dog-piling for your own good because Jenizens will cut you.)

Cool?

Then, once you tweet, Facebook, post your review, etc., simply email me a link to whatever you did at:

[email protected]

and you will immediately receive a free short story that I wrote that's never before been posted!

Boom.  Just like that.  Free story, bro. 

The Girl Most Likely is a YA piece that I absolutely adored writing.  It was supposed to be in an anthology but ultimately I pulled it because I didn't think it would fit with the rest of the book.  Yet I love it and I've been looking for the best way to share it, so here we go.

The week starts... now.  Next Tuesday, I'm pulling down the link, so if you're interested, here we go!

Thanks and I'll definitely let you know what I discover!

 

 

I'm stewing. Every time I look at this ad for Skinny Cow, I get twitchy. Listen, I understand that "woah" is a common misspelling for "whoa." I understand that people make mistakes. Sometimes books include errors. Specifically, my books. Yet these errors make me cringe as well, particularly knowing the extensive editing/copy-editing/editing/copy-editing cycle through which they're run. But like I said, I'm stewing. I don't know why I'm obsessing over this silly ad for low-cal dessert bars, yet here we are. The thing is, most of my books are about 90,000 words long. 90,000 words are considerably more difficult to monitor than, say, the ELEVEN words in this ad copy. And I can guarantee you that my work is not 10% misspelled. Can you imagine? My error rate is more like .01%. (Which still makes readers crazy, as well it should.) At first I thought that Skinny Cow was doing some kind of LOLCAT/Chick-fil-A thing. But then the main portion of the ad on the other side of the page spells "whoa" correctly. I realize I'm nit-picking, but stay with me. Before this ad hit the pages of People, a series of art directors and copy editors at the ad agency had to work on this piece before their clients at Skinny Cow ever saw it to grant their final blessing. This ad likely passed through many hands. (Assuming that Mad Men is accurate in portraying the genesis of an advertisement, of course.) So how was this egregious mistake missed?...