C. JoyBell C.'s Blog, page 25
February 2, 2015
A Text Message for My Mother (and for you, too!)
I recently sent a text message to my mother, sort of out-of-the-blue and I bet she was surprised to read it. But anyway, it went like this, "Good morning ma! I just felt like I should let you know that you are a special, beautiful woman who deserves the best in life. And we all think that about you. But that doesn't mean anything unless you know that about yourself. Your sense of self worth needs to come from yourself; not from God, not from other people, but from yourself." And until now, I haven't received a reply from her. She's probably pondering on my words (or maybe she lost her phone again.)
Why did I send her that message? Well, like I said, I just felt like I should. But you may be wondering why I felt that way and that's what I'd like to talk about here. You see, my mother is getting old, she married very late in her life so when she was my age right now, she was still jumping on trains and taking cross-country tours throughout the United States all on her own, pondering upon the scenery and dreaming of her many adventurous dreams (she's the adventurous type, much like her own mother who was seriously helluva adventurous.) She herself admits that becoming a mother was never really on her agenda, and before she met my father, she had never before even had a boyfriend! That's in stark contrast to myself right now, being younger than her at her age of even meeting her first boyfriend, and already having a 14-year-old! I always wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember! To me, rearing a son is a great adventure, in itself. And the amazing thing about this, is that I am not a clingy mother, at all. I am lenient and I do not put restrictions upon my son, I trust him, and he does not betray that trust. He is more like a companion to me, in my life. I can go on long periods of vacation without him and not even feel a longing to be near him; he enjoys viewing my photos from my travels and I enjoy sharing my travel moments with him! In other words, I'm the one who isn't clingy, while my mother, who didn't even dream of becoming a mother, is the super clingy one who calls me every day and questions my love for her if I don't talk to her for at least an hour! So anyway, perhaps that all circles back to the fact that she is now getting old and is facing her prior decisions not to remarry or to ever have another partner in life. Back then after she separated with my father, she was confident about her decision of "not needing anyone"; however, now that she's getting older, I think she's realising what life is all about and while my life is really just beginning, she's finding the need to take her emotional support from me, when what she really needs is to take this emotional support from a partner in life— not me! I cannot be the object of her, "why didn't you pick up your phone the minute I called you?" jealous girlfriend rants. Its' just not healthy for me.
When I was growing up, as a child, I was more of the strong emotional support for both of my parents, who were really just like big kids. Their heads were full of unfulfilled dreams and my father told me several times that those unfulfilled dreams were due to my arrival (otherwise, they would have been fulfilled.) So as you can see, both my parents really were just not cut out to be parents. They did get married properly and have me later on, all properly like that, but still they weren't ready to be parents. So, instead of enjoying a proper childhood for myself, I instead had to be the adult in the family and I learned to hold back my tears at a very young age. I couldn't cry because if I cried, then three of us would be crying (because both my parents are cry babies, to be honest here). So really, I spent my childhood and my teenage years being more mature than anyone around me and I can only feel myself breaking free from that, now. Only now am I able to experience a childhood, now as an adult! And now my mother is getting old and, as usual, thinks I am the one who needs to be there to fulfil all of her emotional issues.
There comes a time in your life when you have to stand your ground and say NO to the people that you love, when their actions are only detrimental to your own life. You can't be this source of energy —emotional or otherwise— for people that shouldn't even be trying to take that from you, in the first place. Especially not for your parents! Because your parents are supposed to be that for you! So, as you can see by reading thus far, the side-note of this article is to say that parents should not try to find a source of fulfilment in their children. A child is not their for your own use— that's not how it works. A child is not there for you to fulfil your own dreams through, to live through, or anything like that. And your child is especially not there to be strong for you so you can cry the whole day! But that's really not the gist of this article; that's only a side-note. The gist of this article is self worth.
My mother is Chinese and Spanish, her name is "Deogracia" (obviously very Latin-Spanish in origin) and she was born to two people who, for the most part, hated each others' guts! And just because she was born a girl, she was considered of lesser worth (per the outdated, overused and old Chinese tradition that is so stupid anyway). As a result, my mother grew up with no sense of self worth and she later was able to derive any sense of worth as a woman, from her relationship with God when she became a Christian in her twenties. As she raised me later when I came along, she taught me that the only sentient being who can give me a sense of self worth, is God. She told me that nobody, no one and nothing can make me feel worthy as a woman, or as a human being, except for God! As you can see, I was raised in a traditionally Christian environment that involved "self-nullification" as a pathway to finding one's worth. Right now, I can tell you that this was not a beneficial way for me to grow up. Instead of cultivating a sense of self worth inside myself, for myself, by myself— I hung my every bit, every ounce of sense of worthiness upon God! "I am nothing without you, God!" "I am worth nothing, you are worth everything, God!" and so on and so forth.
While I was growing up, my mother always used to say (and she still says this unto this day), "The only inheritance I can give you is my knowledge of God, it's the only thing I can leave for you in this world." And that became a serious problem, because, it simply wasn't true. I am not sure if she was just being dramatic, or if she really believed in what she said (and still says), but it simply wasn't true. My mother could have given me a lot more than she did, if she had realised that she needed to be present in my life, to be strong for me as a mother, and seriously, just to go shopping with me! But since she believed that all material things would lead your soul away from God, she discouraged all the things that I loved to do the most (shopping, talking about culture and society and makeup). I wasn't even allowed to go to parties! Talk about being enslaved by a religion!
Today, I have been able to overcome my own lack of a sense of self worth and stomp on it. I did that by reaffirming my own self worth, by myself, for myself, within myself! By me and for me. It hasn't come from God; it has come from me! You need to pull all that energy that you hang onto God and you need to wrap it around yourself like a blanket of comfort! And that's what God wants you to do, anyway! Well, at least that's what I believe God wants people to do! I have this image in my mind, and it is an image of a soul crying out to God, "God, nullify me and make everything inside of me into you!" and God is looking at that soul, saying, "You wanted to go down there to discover your Earth wings and learn how to fly, and now you want me to nullify you?!" Quite frankly, you, dear, need to get your shit together! Pull your act together, pull yourself together, and put some great lipstick on! You are worthy because you are going to make yourself know that you are worthy, you are going to do so much good for yourself that it will overflow onto others, you are going to look for every reason to laugh and to be happy every day, for yourself, because you are worth it! You deserve to be loved because you are loveable! You deserve the best in life, because you also have the best to offer! You are competent, you are tackling life head-on and you are winning, because you can!
And all of this is not to discredit God. No. I'm not saying there's no God and I'm not saying don't believe in God; but what I'm saying is only what I'm saying, nothing more and nothing less.
I hope that my mother reads my message and believes what I've said in it. Not that I'm going to sit around hoping for things for her, like I've done for the greater part of my life thus far; but it's just that she's my mother and I hope that she reads what I've said and her life becomes changed by it. Because hopefully she wants to change it. This life is beautiful and we all need to stop living like all we want to think about is when we are dead! I mean, come on! If we're going to live like that, then really, why did we even come down here, in the first place?
Why did I send her that message? Well, like I said, I just felt like I should. But you may be wondering why I felt that way and that's what I'd like to talk about here. You see, my mother is getting old, she married very late in her life so when she was my age right now, she was still jumping on trains and taking cross-country tours throughout the United States all on her own, pondering upon the scenery and dreaming of her many adventurous dreams (she's the adventurous type, much like her own mother who was seriously helluva adventurous.) She herself admits that becoming a mother was never really on her agenda, and before she met my father, she had never before even had a boyfriend! That's in stark contrast to myself right now, being younger than her at her age of even meeting her first boyfriend, and already having a 14-year-old! I always wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember! To me, rearing a son is a great adventure, in itself. And the amazing thing about this, is that I am not a clingy mother, at all. I am lenient and I do not put restrictions upon my son, I trust him, and he does not betray that trust. He is more like a companion to me, in my life. I can go on long periods of vacation without him and not even feel a longing to be near him; he enjoys viewing my photos from my travels and I enjoy sharing my travel moments with him! In other words, I'm the one who isn't clingy, while my mother, who didn't even dream of becoming a mother, is the super clingy one who calls me every day and questions my love for her if I don't talk to her for at least an hour! So anyway, perhaps that all circles back to the fact that she is now getting old and is facing her prior decisions not to remarry or to ever have another partner in life. Back then after she separated with my father, she was confident about her decision of "not needing anyone"; however, now that she's getting older, I think she's realising what life is all about and while my life is really just beginning, she's finding the need to take her emotional support from me, when what she really needs is to take this emotional support from a partner in life— not me! I cannot be the object of her, "why didn't you pick up your phone the minute I called you?" jealous girlfriend rants. Its' just not healthy for me.
When I was growing up, as a child, I was more of the strong emotional support for both of my parents, who were really just like big kids. Their heads were full of unfulfilled dreams and my father told me several times that those unfulfilled dreams were due to my arrival (otherwise, they would have been fulfilled.) So as you can see, both my parents really were just not cut out to be parents. They did get married properly and have me later on, all properly like that, but still they weren't ready to be parents. So, instead of enjoying a proper childhood for myself, I instead had to be the adult in the family and I learned to hold back my tears at a very young age. I couldn't cry because if I cried, then three of us would be crying (because both my parents are cry babies, to be honest here). So really, I spent my childhood and my teenage years being more mature than anyone around me and I can only feel myself breaking free from that, now. Only now am I able to experience a childhood, now as an adult! And now my mother is getting old and, as usual, thinks I am the one who needs to be there to fulfil all of her emotional issues.
There comes a time in your life when you have to stand your ground and say NO to the people that you love, when their actions are only detrimental to your own life. You can't be this source of energy —emotional or otherwise— for people that shouldn't even be trying to take that from you, in the first place. Especially not for your parents! Because your parents are supposed to be that for you! So, as you can see by reading thus far, the side-note of this article is to say that parents should not try to find a source of fulfilment in their children. A child is not their for your own use— that's not how it works. A child is not there for you to fulfil your own dreams through, to live through, or anything like that. And your child is especially not there to be strong for you so you can cry the whole day! But that's really not the gist of this article; that's only a side-note. The gist of this article is self worth.
My mother is Chinese and Spanish, her name is "Deogracia" (obviously very Latin-Spanish in origin) and she was born to two people who, for the most part, hated each others' guts! And just because she was born a girl, she was considered of lesser worth (per the outdated, overused and old Chinese tradition that is so stupid anyway). As a result, my mother grew up with no sense of self worth and she later was able to derive any sense of worth as a woman, from her relationship with God when she became a Christian in her twenties. As she raised me later when I came along, she taught me that the only sentient being who can give me a sense of self worth, is God. She told me that nobody, no one and nothing can make me feel worthy as a woman, or as a human being, except for God! As you can see, I was raised in a traditionally Christian environment that involved "self-nullification" as a pathway to finding one's worth. Right now, I can tell you that this was not a beneficial way for me to grow up. Instead of cultivating a sense of self worth inside myself, for myself, by myself— I hung my every bit, every ounce of sense of worthiness upon God! "I am nothing without you, God!" "I am worth nothing, you are worth everything, God!" and so on and so forth.
While I was growing up, my mother always used to say (and she still says this unto this day), "The only inheritance I can give you is my knowledge of God, it's the only thing I can leave for you in this world." And that became a serious problem, because, it simply wasn't true. I am not sure if she was just being dramatic, or if she really believed in what she said (and still says), but it simply wasn't true. My mother could have given me a lot more than she did, if she had realised that she needed to be present in my life, to be strong for me as a mother, and seriously, just to go shopping with me! But since she believed that all material things would lead your soul away from God, she discouraged all the things that I loved to do the most (shopping, talking about culture and society and makeup). I wasn't even allowed to go to parties! Talk about being enslaved by a religion!
Today, I have been able to overcome my own lack of a sense of self worth and stomp on it. I did that by reaffirming my own self worth, by myself, for myself, within myself! By me and for me. It hasn't come from God; it has come from me! You need to pull all that energy that you hang onto God and you need to wrap it around yourself like a blanket of comfort! And that's what God wants you to do, anyway! Well, at least that's what I believe God wants people to do! I have this image in my mind, and it is an image of a soul crying out to God, "God, nullify me and make everything inside of me into you!" and God is looking at that soul, saying, "You wanted to go down there to discover your Earth wings and learn how to fly, and now you want me to nullify you?!" Quite frankly, you, dear, need to get your shit together! Pull your act together, pull yourself together, and put some great lipstick on! You are worthy because you are going to make yourself know that you are worthy, you are going to do so much good for yourself that it will overflow onto others, you are going to look for every reason to laugh and to be happy every day, for yourself, because you are worth it! You deserve to be loved because you are loveable! You deserve the best in life, because you also have the best to offer! You are competent, you are tackling life head-on and you are winning, because you can!
And all of this is not to discredit God. No. I'm not saying there's no God and I'm not saying don't believe in God; but what I'm saying is only what I'm saying, nothing more and nothing less.
I hope that my mother reads my message and believes what I've said in it. Not that I'm going to sit around hoping for things for her, like I've done for the greater part of my life thus far; but it's just that she's my mother and I hope that she reads what I've said and her life becomes changed by it. Because hopefully she wants to change it. This life is beautiful and we all need to stop living like all we want to think about is when we are dead! I mean, come on! If we're going to live like that, then really, why did we even come down here, in the first place?
From a Wildfire to a Bonfire
Recently, I posted this to my public network:
I once wrote of a good love being the kind that lights you on fire and makes you run ablaze in the winds! Then I grew up and when I did, I learned that a good kind of love is the kind that gives you a knowledge of safety. We live in a world where there are so many reasons that we might not be safe; love has become the place where you know you can be safe and you can face this world together with your partner, without fear. I don't want to feel like I'm a part of that world when I'm in someone's arms; I want to feel like we have our own world because in our world there is moonlight, there is a soft voice, there is laughter, there is understanding and patience... so now I think a good love is like a really good fragrance! You know you need it on your skin and it feels like the electricity of your desires and your passions; yet at the same time it feels like home. Like things forgotten, unforgotten, things that happened and that are yet to happen... it's like time stops. That's what I learned when I grew up.
Now, I want to discuss this further. What does it mean when we search for the thrill of running and of burning, from our idea of love and relationships? Doesn't that mean that we are seeking something that we are not able to cultivate alone? Because it is a fact that when we look to love, we are looking to something that we deem can fulfil us in a way (or in many ways). So in the angle of looking for running and for burning, I believe this means we look for something that we have not been able to cultivate on our own. But then your life begins to change at the turning of your soul within your body and you begin to produce a fire of your own, you begin to run in the winds of your own soul, you begin to experience freedom from exactly right there where you are standing; regardless of whether or not you are living in your ideal physical state of freedom. You create the fire within you, and with that fire, you produce things of beauty that you are able to add to the world, you produce magical objects from the magic of your own soul, you run in the winds not because someone is grabbing your arm and teaching you how to run; but, you run in the winds of your own mind, your own heart! You create cities within yourself! You begin to become the master architect of your own person, your own soul! And when this happens... you realise that you don't really want to look towards love as a thing to break you free and to release you into the fiery winds! Sure, that can really happen, too, but more importantly than that, you start to see love as a place to come home to. Sure, you can burn together and run together; but more importantly than that, you want to cultivate a partnership in life and you want to be able to say, "This is the person that I have found, he's/she's my partner in life, because he/she completes me". Yes, ultimately we should look for completion in a partner. They say that we shouldn't look for completion but that we should already be complete on our own, but I disagree with that notion. If your partner is not the completion of the rest of you, then that person is not going to really be that significant half of you. In order to have a "significant other", that individual must be the other part of you, the one that, yes, the one that completes you. And you complete each other. Your energies meet and they fuse together and there is electricity flying everywhere and ultimately, you bond together. Like the fusion of electrical cords.
But more importantly than what I've written above, is the fact that everyone should look to his/her own love. The problem today is that people are looking towards other people's ideals of love and then hoping that they find those ideals for themselves, in their lives. But what if those ideals aren't for you? What if you need to have your own because that is what's going to fit into your heart and soul? So you need to look for that and you need to find it.
I once wrote of a good love being the kind that lights you on fire and makes you run ablaze in the winds! Then I grew up and when I did, I learned that a good kind of love is the kind that gives you a knowledge of safety. We live in a world where there are so many reasons that we might not be safe; love has become the place where you know you can be safe and you can face this world together with your partner, without fear. I don't want to feel like I'm a part of that world when I'm in someone's arms; I want to feel like we have our own world because in our world there is moonlight, there is a soft voice, there is laughter, there is understanding and patience... so now I think a good love is like a really good fragrance! You know you need it on your skin and it feels like the electricity of your desires and your passions; yet at the same time it feels like home. Like things forgotten, unforgotten, things that happened and that are yet to happen... it's like time stops. That's what I learned when I grew up.
Now, I want to discuss this further. What does it mean when we search for the thrill of running and of burning, from our idea of love and relationships? Doesn't that mean that we are seeking something that we are not able to cultivate alone? Because it is a fact that when we look to love, we are looking to something that we deem can fulfil us in a way (or in many ways). So in the angle of looking for running and for burning, I believe this means we look for something that we have not been able to cultivate on our own. But then your life begins to change at the turning of your soul within your body and you begin to produce a fire of your own, you begin to run in the winds of your own soul, you begin to experience freedom from exactly right there where you are standing; regardless of whether or not you are living in your ideal physical state of freedom. You create the fire within you, and with that fire, you produce things of beauty that you are able to add to the world, you produce magical objects from the magic of your own soul, you run in the winds not because someone is grabbing your arm and teaching you how to run; but, you run in the winds of your own mind, your own heart! You create cities within yourself! You begin to become the master architect of your own person, your own soul! And when this happens... you realise that you don't really want to look towards love as a thing to break you free and to release you into the fiery winds! Sure, that can really happen, too, but more importantly than that, you start to see love as a place to come home to. Sure, you can burn together and run together; but more importantly than that, you want to cultivate a partnership in life and you want to be able to say, "This is the person that I have found, he's/she's my partner in life, because he/she completes me". Yes, ultimately we should look for completion in a partner. They say that we shouldn't look for completion but that we should already be complete on our own, but I disagree with that notion. If your partner is not the completion of the rest of you, then that person is not going to really be that significant half of you. In order to have a "significant other", that individual must be the other part of you, the one that, yes, the one that completes you. And you complete each other. Your energies meet and they fuse together and there is electricity flying everywhere and ultimately, you bond together. Like the fusion of electrical cords.
But more importantly than what I've written above, is the fact that everyone should look to his/her own love. The problem today is that people are looking towards other people's ideals of love and then hoping that they find those ideals for themselves, in their lives. But what if those ideals aren't for you? What if you need to have your own because that is what's going to fit into your heart and soul? So you need to look for that and you need to find it.
February 1, 2015
Why Should I Respect You?
I posted this to my public network just awhile ago:
For the first time ever, I feel a real fear for the future of humanity. I have never felt this before... but now I fear that we are all looking towards an Islamic future. Wherever I go online, all I see are "Convert to Islam now" adds, everywhere. There's terrorism carried out by Islamic radicalists... I fear that in the future, we will all be forced into Islamic beliefs and this scares me, because the Islamic lifestyle is one that I could never hold as my own. I am afraid for the future, because I do not want to be forced into anything. I am afraid for the future, because I see that the methods for persuading people to abide by and to respect Islamic beliefs, are very violent in nature. I have a message for everyone right now, and that is— WE ARE NOT OUR RELIGIONS. You are not your religion, I am not my religion, none of us are our religions. Nobody in the world should force anybody else in the world, to conform or to respect, their religious beliefs or absence of religious beliefs. I pray that everybody realise that we should STOP trying to persuade ANYONE of any spiritual belief system. And more than that, the only reason why anyone should believe in anything spiritually, is if that spiritual path has invited them in with love and with beauty. Apart from that, there is no reason to follow any spiritual path, whatsoever. Do you really know which religion works? Because you will only know for sure after you are dead! And any other sign while you are still living, is any amount of beauty and love that a religion or a belief will be able to bring into your life. And that's all I have to say, in addressing this fear of mine. Please think about it, everyone. It's time to rise above religion.
And I want to take the conversation even further down the lane of the concept of respect. It seems that everyone these days wants everyone else to respect them just for believing in something (or for not believing in something). You have to respect a Muslin for being a Muslim, you have to respect a Christian for being a Christian, you have to respect an Atheist for being an Atheist... so what does respect even mean, really? Here is the etymology of respect. Okay, so let's say we demand that others be civil towards our beliefs; but if we make such demands of others, does not this first require that we demand the same of ourselves, in relation to others? You have as much right to believe in something as someone else has the right to beleive in something else! You have as much right to believe in nothing at all, as someone else has the right to believe in every single God of the Pagan Myths! So where does this leave all of us at? This leaves all of us at the fact that we are 100% equally worthy of respect for whatever beliefs we choose to hold or not to hold! So what does that mean? That ultimately means that nobody on Earth is required to show an outward honour towards anyone else's beliefs! Nobody has to honor another's belief system, because everybody has the right not to believe in anything, or to believe in something totally 100% opposite! That's the truth right there!
Futhermore, what do we think of, really, when we think of respect? Well, we think of giving honor to someone on behalf of something great; a great achievement, a great victory! So what the hell is the great victory in simply believing in something? Why the hell should I show outward honor for you just because you happen to believe in something? Did you work hard in order to be able to believe in it? Did you persevere over obstacles all your life, in order to be able to adhere to your beliefs? No! And most of the time, you were just born believing those beliefs just because your mom and dad and aunties and uncles told you that it was the only true thing to believe in! So what the hell? Why the hell is everyone going onto Facebook Pages and Youtube channels and demanding everyone respect that they are Atheists or that they are Christians or that they are Muslims? Nobody needs to respect you for anything that you don't or that you do believe in, because it's too easy to simply believe or not believe in something! It's too easy to believe that an apple is the creator of mankind if you were told since you were born that the apple is the creator of mankind! Sure, you can believe in the apple as God, but I don't need to revere you for that. Nobody needs to. And nobody has to revere anyone's disbelief in the apple, either! The truth is that, when it comes to spirituality, nobody needs to be thinking about what anybody else is doing, so long as the other person is not harming anyone! We only need to start thinking about what others are doing, and stepping in between the lines, when there is evidence that a religious belief system is the fuel in the suffering of other human beings! Because what we really need and must respect, is human life, is the right of all human beings to have freedom, to be free! No man was born in chains; it is their fellow man who has put them in chains, and at any given time, every single man and woman has the absolute right to break free from those chains of any nature and of any form! It is not God who has put you in any sort of bondage! It is your fellow man who puts you in bondage in the name of God!
I suggest that everyone, everywhere, see that it is time to rise above religion! It is time to be more than what our religions or lack of religions dictate us to be! It is time for all of us to quit trying to convert anyone else into our own belief systems or lack of a belief system! It is time for every human being on Earth to start seeing that we are not our religions or lack of religions; but we are the humanity or the lack of humanity, in us! If you lack the beautiful empathy for your fellowman within, then you are not worthy of respect. If you have the beautiful empathy for your fellowman within, only then are you worthy of respect! You are worthy of respect because of who your soul is and because of the things that you do to achieve and to have victory in life! We do not achieve anything by trying to convert anyone to become as our own! There is no great abode waiting for you in Heaven depending upon how many people you converted into your religion! None! That is just a story to get you to convert more people onto your side! God is the God of everyone! Not of just them or of just they!
Why are you living your life for death? Why is death the greater obsession here? Are you not given this life and what are you going to do with it? Are you going to create beauty and are you going to love? Or are you going to be a useless mistake by living your life for what happens after death? People live their lives now in fear of the afterlife, and in the process, they forget that they are still alive! And for as long as you are alive, my friend, you have the chance to break free from any bondages whatsoever, that your fellow man has put you in. Your passion should not come from any one religion; your passion should come and should be fueled by, the fact that you are human and that you have been given this life to leave your stamp of beauty and of progress upon mankind!
We are living in a time wherein we are either going to rise above religion, or we are going to fall underneath it. I believe that we are living at a turning point in mankind's timeline, and the future of our species is going to be dictated by how we handle this now, by how we choose to change, now! What direction are we going to steer ourselves into, right now? Because destiny isn't what simply happens to us! Destiny is what we make happen to us! The people who know that, are the people who are going to win and who are going to be able to turn the direction of our ship into their current! So the key is that we all know this, so that we all look towards a direction that benefits all of us as a species, and that is the direction that leads us above religion and onto the unity that we have in all of us— the unity of the soul, the unity of the beauty that lives within us.
January 30, 2015
The Nothing Song
Hey wonderfuls. I have something deep to talk to you about today... so it starts off like this... yesterday, I posted this to my personal network and to my public network (my writer network):
I have made an important decision, and this is to no longer allow myself to be affected by the state of the nations, the peoples, the world. There are too many terrible things happening everywhere, and if I am to think about them, then I will only know heartache. Too much empathy is very difficult to carry around in the soul and I suppose that a bit of apathy would do wonders for the mind and body. Goodbye to all things terrible in the world, terrible presidents and terrible terrorists and terrible cunts. Goodbye. I shall hereafter dwell on things like the beauties of nature, music, and cake and cupcakes. My little winged heart cannot take anymore of the terribleness. And so, I shall bit ti all adieu! Ta ta, so long, au revoir, farewell, retreating into my very own renaissance of the mind now! Zen.
I said this yesterday, only to break down in tears today, and to fall deeper into the turquoise lakes that I am made up of. So I want to talk to you about that because it's a turning point in my life, and since you're on my journey here with me, I guess you would like to know when I turn somewhere? So in case you'd like to know, I've just realised that I simply can't be the person that I described above in my post, it only lasted a day. Actually, just about ten hours before I couldn't do it anymore. And that's okay, because this is me, and I'm so tired of fighting myself. I can't change the colours of the lakes that I am made up of. There is a depth within me that I can't alter... the forests in me are violet and vast... you could roam in them for a lifetime and still not come to the end of them! I know, because in my dreams at night I walk through them and they go deeper and deeper... forests filled with living things and with fields of lavender!
I'm not going to be able to be the person whom I've described above. Because the person that is me feels deeply, thinks deeply, knows deeply. I realise that the key to soothing the pain is not to change my nature; but the key is to stop bordering at the edge of what is in between. I can't keep teeter-tottering at the edge of what is shallow and what is deep... like so I can save myself in case I go too far into the forest... because the key here is actually to just go in deeper, go totally into that place, because when I give myself to who and to what I am, that's when I can become the powerful me who will be able to choose what to feel and what not to feel. Then and only then will I be in the powerful position to say, "I'm not going to let this cause me pain, I'm not going to let this burn within me, I'm going to turn away from this person (or this thing), because this person/thing is not good for me." But I know that I am only going to be able to do that when I fully accept how deep those lakes, oceans and forests are! I'm going to have to learn how to dance with the beautiful, illuminated creatures within me, because they stay in the deep places, I'm going to have to want to be there. And that doesn't mean that I can't run away! I can always run away from anything; but I can run away from anything outside of me, if I need to, while inside me, I still know who I am!
So, look, I know I'm the person who, when I cry, a single tear down my face feels like burning oil; a single breath feels like I'm reaching up for Heaven's hands to reach down and to hold me— I feel so much. But I'm going to be strong and fortified from now on, because I'm going to accept myself and I'm going to go even deeper. Because you know what? I am helluva beautiful! And if I weren't who I am, I wouldn't be able to write the things that I write and be the person that I am right now.
I am turquoise and I am violet.
Love you, wonderfuls! Thank you for putting up with me, through all of my ups and my downs, I can't thank you all enough! And now I want to leave you with a music video that I always come back to, through the years, no matter who I am and who I've become and what I've done— I always, always come back to this song, because it moves with the rhythm of my heart... this is the song that I would sound like... wordless. I'm not a pop song, and I'm not a rock song... I'm a song that's literally entitled "The Nothing Song" because the words are made up and it's all about the melody and the feeling, it's not about the words (they don't even mean anything.)
I have made an important decision, and this is to no longer allow myself to be affected by the state of the nations, the peoples, the world. There are too many terrible things happening everywhere, and if I am to think about them, then I will only know heartache. Too much empathy is very difficult to carry around in the soul and I suppose that a bit of apathy would do wonders for the mind and body. Goodbye to all things terrible in the world, terrible presidents and terrible terrorists and terrible cunts. Goodbye. I shall hereafter dwell on things like the beauties of nature, music, and cake and cupcakes. My little winged heart cannot take anymore of the terribleness. And so, I shall bit ti all adieu! Ta ta, so long, au revoir, farewell, retreating into my very own renaissance of the mind now! Zen.
I said this yesterday, only to break down in tears today, and to fall deeper into the turquoise lakes that I am made up of. So I want to talk to you about that because it's a turning point in my life, and since you're on my journey here with me, I guess you would like to know when I turn somewhere? So in case you'd like to know, I've just realised that I simply can't be the person that I described above in my post, it only lasted a day. Actually, just about ten hours before I couldn't do it anymore. And that's okay, because this is me, and I'm so tired of fighting myself. I can't change the colours of the lakes that I am made up of. There is a depth within me that I can't alter... the forests in me are violet and vast... you could roam in them for a lifetime and still not come to the end of them! I know, because in my dreams at night I walk through them and they go deeper and deeper... forests filled with living things and with fields of lavender!
I'm not going to be able to be the person whom I've described above. Because the person that is me feels deeply, thinks deeply, knows deeply. I realise that the key to soothing the pain is not to change my nature; but the key is to stop bordering at the edge of what is in between. I can't keep teeter-tottering at the edge of what is shallow and what is deep... like so I can save myself in case I go too far into the forest... because the key here is actually to just go in deeper, go totally into that place, because when I give myself to who and to what I am, that's when I can become the powerful me who will be able to choose what to feel and what not to feel. Then and only then will I be in the powerful position to say, "I'm not going to let this cause me pain, I'm not going to let this burn within me, I'm going to turn away from this person (or this thing), because this person/thing is not good for me." But I know that I am only going to be able to do that when I fully accept how deep those lakes, oceans and forests are! I'm going to have to learn how to dance with the beautiful, illuminated creatures within me, because they stay in the deep places, I'm going to have to want to be there. And that doesn't mean that I can't run away! I can always run away from anything; but I can run away from anything outside of me, if I need to, while inside me, I still know who I am!
So, look, I know I'm the person who, when I cry, a single tear down my face feels like burning oil; a single breath feels like I'm reaching up for Heaven's hands to reach down and to hold me— I feel so much. But I'm going to be strong and fortified from now on, because I'm going to accept myself and I'm going to go even deeper. Because you know what? I am helluva beautiful! And if I weren't who I am, I wouldn't be able to write the things that I write and be the person that I am right now.
I am turquoise and I am violet.
Love you, wonderfuls! Thank you for putting up with me, through all of my ups and my downs, I can't thank you all enough! And now I want to leave you with a music video that I always come back to, through the years, no matter who I am and who I've become and what I've done— I always, always come back to this song, because it moves with the rhythm of my heart... this is the song that I would sound like... wordless. I'm not a pop song, and I'm not a rock song... I'm a song that's literally entitled "The Nothing Song" because the words are made up and it's all about the melody and the feeling, it's not about the words (they don't even mean anything.)
January 28, 2015
The Chant
I am convinced that Gregorian Chant is a spell-casting type of music and I feel like this is the music that I should always be listening to! When I listen to Gregorian Chant, I feel protected and safe, swathed in arms wrapping themselves around me! I feel like I am within an impenetrable blanket of divineness and safety! I can't seem to find any writings on the matter, like writings from ancient times ascribing the chants to some type of protection spell or anything like that, but I am fully convinced that, at least for me, it functions as such! The very interesting thing is that I have learned, from a musical course that I am taking from Yale, that Gregorian Chant is the only music on earth which does not possess a beat. A beat is what humans naturally ascribe to/look for, in musical listening experiences; so looking for Gregorian Chant is not a natural action to take; it is in fact an unnatural choice for music. You definitely don't see a million teenagers screaming out the chants like they would scream out modern-day pop music! So I find this fact to be fascinating and highly intriguing! I feel like the fastest way to cast a caim (circle of protection) around one's self, is to listen to Gregorian Chant. But that's just me, and you don't have to believe that, I am just one to share the things in me that try to fly out of me, at times, and this just so happens to be one of those flying things!
xoxo,C. Bells
xoxo,C. Bells
January 27, 2015
What Status Is Your Mind?
I have noticed that there is something, a way of seeing and feeling people, that cannot be categorised as a question of intellect, nor a question of socio-economic and cultural background, nor a question of current social standing. Usually, I can predict and/or categorise how a person will react to something or understand something or deal with something, based upon the factors I've just mentioned; but sometimes it's simply not a question of either of those factors and I struggle to grasp for the right word to describe it, or the right term to describe it. But I think the right term to describe it, would be, "status of the mind." There is a social status, a financial status, a marital status, and now I think there should be something called, status of the mind. I have observed that an individual may have intellect but no common sense; common sense but no culture; culture but no class; class but no heredity to account for it; good bloodlines but no intellect; and so on and so forth! But then a person can have all of those things and still fall short of a certain area of perception and understanding that just leaves them so... so very mortal! But then there is one trait that supersedes them all, I think; or that at least pulls a person into that area which simply feels like a better place, a place where we can reach an understanding, and I hereby dub this as the, status of the mind. One can be born of high social status but have a low status of mind. One can have a high status of mind and, with nothing else, be able to peer into the things that are veiled from others, the things to be seen that others cannot see! This is the status of the mind. People of this status want something better, they want something that is not mainstream, that is not understood by the masses, they don't put themselves into that current which flows with the times that everyone else is in; they are elite in the mind! They are of an understanding that is higher, that sees further, that feels and perceives more, that dreams bigger and that reaches beyond! There is a different kind of hierarchy now, and that is the hierarchy of the mind.
And that's all I want to share with you, today. But I also want you to check out the new videos I've made on Youtube! :) I think that I will not be posting every video that I make, onto this blog, so if you're keen on keeping up with the latest ones, please check back directly at my YT channel: www.youtube.com/c/cjoybellclovescake and you will be able to follow all my latest creations there! You can also browse through other playlists that I've put together, consisting of different types of music; there's also ballet videos, travel videos, inspirational videos, basically just a bunch of videos that aren't mine, but that I enjoy! So you can check those out to, if you're at all interested. Anyway, here are my newest latests and greatests, below! Do enjoy them, I worked hard on them for you guys so I'm happy for you to be enjoying and sharing them!
Raising Nobility: A Magickal Take on Parenting:
Don't Be Afraid Of Your Fears:
All Things Lit Like Fireflies:
All Things Dance Like Dragonflies:
Broken and Whole:
To Love and To Lust:
And that's all I want to share with you, today. But I also want you to check out the new videos I've made on Youtube! :) I think that I will not be posting every video that I make, onto this blog, so if you're keen on keeping up with the latest ones, please check back directly at my YT channel: www.youtube.com/c/cjoybellclovescake and you will be able to follow all my latest creations there! You can also browse through other playlists that I've put together, consisting of different types of music; there's also ballet videos, travel videos, inspirational videos, basically just a bunch of videos that aren't mine, but that I enjoy! So you can check those out to, if you're at all interested. Anyway, here are my newest latests and greatests, below! Do enjoy them, I worked hard on them for you guys so I'm happy for you to be enjoying and sharing them!
Raising Nobility: A Magickal Take on Parenting:
Don't Be Afraid Of Your Fears:
All Things Lit Like Fireflies:
All Things Dance Like Dragonflies:
Broken and Whole:
To Love and To Lust:
January 24, 2015
Living Through My Skin
I believe that we are living in an age of information overload and overstimulation. Our brains are functioning as supercomputers, absorbing and divulging information both at the same time, in a way like never before! I can just login to Facebook and in my newsfeed there are about thirty sources of science and technology, spirituality and history, so on and so forth— running through my feed! And these thirty or so sources run some fifty or so articles and images each, for me to see, every day! And I have observed that all of this info can run me over, just like what getting run over by a truck on the street would be like! It leaves you flattened out on the road— like a carcass! It's like we're turning into machines... forgetting how to live... it's only January and we've already forgotten the magic of the holidays when we were greeted by terrorists just a few weeks ago! We forget all our hopes and magical aspirations for the year, when we run into rude and obnoxious people at work, at school... at Starbucks! So what I'm saying is that I think I need to not get run over anymore and I think that you shouldn't, either. I think that I want to cultivate, focus on, and practice, a culture of kindness. What is a culture of kindness? It's a culture of living through the heart, a skill of stepping away from that highway and instead, having a picnic beside the road... or under a tree! A skill of stopping and breathing and living life gracefully through experiencing every divine moment, cultivating thoughts of humility and gentleness all along the way!
It's easy to forget living in our own culture of kindness, when we are overstimulated in so many different ways. We are frightened by the news, we are rubbed in the wrong ways by bitter and frustrated people, we see garbage on the television and we are always bombarded with the notion that knowledge is better than kindness, that intelligence is better than empathy and compassion. We are taught that our magic is laughable and that we ought to "wake up"... everybody is telling everyone to "wake up" from a host of different things to "wake up" from! Everybody wants everyone else to "wake up" from something! One person will say wake up from magic, another person will say wake up from your daydreams, an organisation will say that you're not good enough until this or unless that, some people will tell you to forget your religions while another group of people will invite you to church and to prayer meetings... everybody in the world is trying to hoard in other people, as if we all need to make little camps of ourselves and give our camps little names and huddle up together and be weird together; but the truth is that we're all weird, anyway, and we can do that very well without secluding others or without having to push our egos up onto platforms of our own makings, in order to make ourselves feel that we have some sort of advantage over the rest of the human race!
The culture of kindness is a culture wherein people will be motivated not by the promise of being more and better than others around them; but the culture of kindness will encourage people to be motivated by the sheer longing to live life beautifully. What are the things that allow a human being to live life beautifully? That's simple, because it's the simple things, really. It's a forgiving nature, a grateful heart, an attitude of simplicity and magnanimity at the same time... being able to take the time to smile because the sunbeams dance on the wall in a beautiful way— that is the culture of kindness. And it's not about being in a race to be kind and to show and see who and what can be kind to more people and to more things—no— because we have too much of that, already! We are in fact bombarded with advertisements on how we are supposed to be kind to these people and to those people and to this thing and to that thing— enough. It's not about racing towards anything or anyone. It's about being. Being a sentient human being. Being a sentient soul. Knowing what exact moment you are in, right now, and living in it. And that's not about "YOLO", either! It's about breathing, feeling, living life sensuously!
I live life sensuously. When I am not too busy being a carcass on the road being run over by the trucks in my Facebook newsfeed; I am living life sensuously. Not being chased by doubts and fears and feelings of frustration. I live sensuously and that means living through your skin; feeling the moments in life as you live them. That's what it means to live sensuously. And I invite you to join me, this year and beyond, to cultivate a culture of kindness and to live sensuously.
C. Bells
It's easy to forget living in our own culture of kindness, when we are overstimulated in so many different ways. We are frightened by the news, we are rubbed in the wrong ways by bitter and frustrated people, we see garbage on the television and we are always bombarded with the notion that knowledge is better than kindness, that intelligence is better than empathy and compassion. We are taught that our magic is laughable and that we ought to "wake up"... everybody is telling everyone to "wake up" from a host of different things to "wake up" from! Everybody wants everyone else to "wake up" from something! One person will say wake up from magic, another person will say wake up from your daydreams, an organisation will say that you're not good enough until this or unless that, some people will tell you to forget your religions while another group of people will invite you to church and to prayer meetings... everybody in the world is trying to hoard in other people, as if we all need to make little camps of ourselves and give our camps little names and huddle up together and be weird together; but the truth is that we're all weird, anyway, and we can do that very well without secluding others or without having to push our egos up onto platforms of our own makings, in order to make ourselves feel that we have some sort of advantage over the rest of the human race!
The culture of kindness is a culture wherein people will be motivated not by the promise of being more and better than others around them; but the culture of kindness will encourage people to be motivated by the sheer longing to live life beautifully. What are the things that allow a human being to live life beautifully? That's simple, because it's the simple things, really. It's a forgiving nature, a grateful heart, an attitude of simplicity and magnanimity at the same time... being able to take the time to smile because the sunbeams dance on the wall in a beautiful way— that is the culture of kindness. And it's not about being in a race to be kind and to show and see who and what can be kind to more people and to more things—no— because we have too much of that, already! We are in fact bombarded with advertisements on how we are supposed to be kind to these people and to those people and to this thing and to that thing— enough. It's not about racing towards anything or anyone. It's about being. Being a sentient human being. Being a sentient soul. Knowing what exact moment you are in, right now, and living in it. And that's not about "YOLO", either! It's about breathing, feeling, living life sensuously!
I live life sensuously. When I am not too busy being a carcass on the road being run over by the trucks in my Facebook newsfeed; I am living life sensuously. Not being chased by doubts and fears and feelings of frustration. I live sensuously and that means living through your skin; feeling the moments in life as you live them. That's what it means to live sensuously. And I invite you to join me, this year and beyond, to cultivate a culture of kindness and to live sensuously.
C. Bells
January 23, 2015
It Flies Away Somehow
Guess what! I made another video! :) I think this will be the new norm for me, so I do hope you enjoy it! I rather enjoy "filmmaking", as it gives me a whole new way to express what I want to express through my writings! :) Anyway, here goes:
January 21, 2015
Love is Like a Good Cake — Video
Hey, wonderfuls! Guess what! I made my very own Youtube video for the first time! :) I was a little bit nervous and really wasn't sure what I could expect, but I just jumped on it and did it and in a couple of hours I had a video and it felt exhilarating and I couldn't wait to share with all of you, so first I shared on my Facebook Page, and now I'm sharing it here; I hope that you all love it! Enjoy! :)
January 18, 2015
Some Really Good Pancakes!
Now, you all know how much I love a good pancake, right? Well here's some really good soul pancakes for you! Trust me, these are really, really good!
This one's for all mankind:
This one's for every mom out there:
Another one for all of mankind:
And this one's especially for YOU!
Enjoy! Smile, cry, go change the world! :)
This one's for all mankind:
This one's for every mom out there:
Another one for all of mankind:
And this one's especially for YOU!
Enjoy! Smile, cry, go change the world! :)
