Evan Sanders's Blog, page 108

The Japanese believe that if it could be better, it’s as good as broken.

Look to always improve upon what you have created.

You never know…something may just click.

A spark may be lit,

And you might just…

Launch

- Evan Sanders

Over the past 6 months, something happened to me that took me a long time to understand. The fire burned a little less hot, the dreams became a little less bright, the passion because a little less dull, and I started to become more and more disappointed. I was disappointed in life, people, and myself mostly. This may seem like quite a shock in the face of the fact that I just spent 6 months on a novel that truly was a defining moment in my life so far. However, as I look back on those past months, I realize how hard they were. I can see the crumbling and the eventual decline of my excitement for life. The words became a little less powerful. My expression dimmed. I saw my potential as a human being, raised my standards, and then failed to meet them. After an enormous uprising in love and determination, my life gradually morphed itself into an unknown denouement.

What sparked this? It wasn’t easy for me to put The Better Man Project into a book. Not because of the process that I had to go through, but the consistent presence of an emotional tax collector jarring at me for more. Drip by drip I drained. As I read parts of the book that were very real once upon a time, I was sent right back into those days of pain, worry, anxiety and doubt. They became very real once again and life stacked its heaviest weights on my back. That crushing feeling became a cross to bear – one that would get heavier each time I edited the book.

But it wasn’t just the toll of the novel that made its mark on me. Life’s failures, losses of loved ones, and a general displeasure with the society I was in all started to pile up on me. I started to develop this overarching complaint…and as time went on and more and more evidence was produced…this complaint went from a seed in my mind to a field of weeds. In between the weeds were very beautiful and powerful ideals such as love and passion, but were being choked of water by other roots.

I became a bit bitter that all the effort I was putting into people was not being returned. The constant let downs drove my heart into the ground and at times I would see the worst of people. I of course knew that nothing is ever simple, especially with people’s emotions, and that everyone is fighting their own battle. I knew this was the case, but in all honesty I hadn’t excepted this idea. I retreated inside  and began to shut myself out from people. I buried myself into the sand hoping that nothing would come along and uncover me. I wanted to be alone. I got exactly what I asked for.

Pieces of me began to disintegrate. Openness. Understanding. Determination. What came to replace these very positive characteristics was a strong desire to just sleep. I was exhausted. If I could, I would sleep for hours during the day hoping that I would wake up refreshed. I never was. There is a difference between getting sleep and getting rest. My mind was a spewing mess of negative emotions that were chomping at the bit of my previously established positive thoughts. And I fed them. I looked for evidence to feed them, and in a world that is often thought to be a very tough and harsh place, there was always a plethora of material to work with.

I gave up on my dreams over and over again. I would start, battle it out for a while, and always come up short. It is important to recognize that I did achieve something monumental in my life, and that the consistent leaning on positive thoughts helped me to get there, but I didn’t feel ultimately fulfilled because of the looming weeds blowing in the wind. I knew they were there. I could see them, feel them, and hear them rustling…speaking to me…anchoring themselves deeper and deeper in my mind.

My outlet – the gym – became a place where I could trash and tear things apart without anyone noticing. I pushed myself harder and harder because after every set of picking up hundreds of pounds, whatever was controlling my mind felt nourished. Satiated, almost as if it was saying “Yes…get angry…get mean…more pain.” I think sometimes we punish ourselves because pain makes us feel alive. We know that life can be one of pleasure, but often conform to the accessibility of readily available pain. We look for it because it is much easier to live in a world full of hurt than it is to take the less traveled path of self actualization. It’s easy to get stuck in this place.

I didn’t want to go out anymore. I wanted to live in my controlled space where I could manufacture specific results that I thought were worth it. But it was all really hollow. It became a self-destructive routine that contributed to a prophecy that continued to fulfill itself. You can continue to feed positive thoughts into your mind and put them onto paper, but as with anything, the application of acid causes it to fade. You can’t lean back on what you have done because it is gone now. It has been burned out over the course of time. You look back to feel a sense of pride in what you have done and you can’t see anything. You finally  realize that the eye of the storm you were experiencing about wasn’t about not being able to understand what truly is going on around you, it’s is that you couldn’t possibly see the impact you were making because of the eyes you had. You were blind to the positive even though you could still create it – artificially. The iron will began to rust.

And even though all of this happened, a flicker of light still remains. While everything over time dimmed to darkness, resilience continues to stay present. It was resilience that brought me out of the cave the first time. It was resilience that allowed me to stay positive even during an eventual decline of character. It was resilience that drove me to publish something to make an impact on the world even though I was emotionally battered raw. No matter how dark things become, there is always light. You can miss it if you aren’t looking for it. The darkness can become overwhelming…and as I laid in my old bed the other night, the bed that I laid in all those years ago the last time I came out hell, it was. Pitch black. But before I let the lids of my eyes fall to their resting place, I saw the little space between the blackout shades in which a flicker of the moon was shining through. It was all I needed to just know that I was going to wake up today and walk  a separate path. A path of warmth and truth. A path of acceptance, love, and passion. A path worthy of walking.

- Evan Sanders

I know immediately when I am starting to go south. The frustration creeps in and consumes everything in my mind. I start feeling it in my lower back and quickly a sense of agitation reaches the back of my neck, shoulders, and arms. To be honest, I get pretty pissed off and don’t want to be around anybody, be touched by anyone, or say anything. I just want to retreat…to be left alone, and to do it all on my own.

That’s a pretty big “act” as I would call it. The act is what you go to when you are down and unhappy. And for me, a sense of “I can do it by myself what do I need other people for” becomes the negative emotion that crawls into my mind and plants itself. We all have an act…mine just happens to look that way. I’m happy that at least I know.

It’s unhealthy. It’s destructive. It’s counter productive. It’s painful.

But we must call forth our team in these moments. We must ask for help and not stop asking for it until we get it. The mark of strength is knowing when to ask for help. “Not because you are weak, but because you want to remain strong.” – Les Brown.

Life “lifed” me. It got me good. Not in a monumental explosion, but in a very very sneaky way. It slowly but surely planted a small idea in my mind and because I watered that thought a little too much, it took to root. It took me out of my game. It made me bitter. It beat me in one long great battle. And that battle has been going on for some time now. But the war is not lost. It is only when you  lay down to die that the war is lost.

Frustration. Anxiety. Disappointment. Under appreciated. Unnoticed. Sad. Lonely. The list goes on and on and on. They slowly but surely creep in and set up their chairs in your head. The only way you can combat these emotions is not by running from them, but understanding them and what they are. There is no fixing them. Only understanding. Then you can make your move. Then you can do something about your life.

Make your move before you are ready.

- Evan Sanders

(Quick announcement: I have just finished round 2 of The Better Man Project book edits and it will be back out on the shelves very soon. Thank you all for your patience)

The look on people’s faces when I say that I had a soul of Swiss cheese are priceless. “What in the world does cheese have to do with your soul Evan?” Everything.

Deep holes in your soul. I have spent so much time looking back into my past for a few good reasons. I know I advocate staying in the present moment quite often, but I think there is something to be said for really taking a good look at where you have come from and the events that have happened throughout your lifetime. Going back also helps me understand how I really came to where I am at now. Of course, in being a writer I am always looking for new material to work with – and the past almost is an endless supply of stories, memories, and meaningful events. Most of all, it helps me understand how the Swiss cheese holes were created in my heart.

None of us can avoid them. In fact I would argue that it is only when you understand that there is a difference between what you perceived to have happened  and what actually happened that you can start to do something about these holes. They appear because somewhere along the line you get this idea in your head and it keeps getting proved true over and over again. Not that it is actually true, but that you could perceive it to be that way. Yikes. I mean really…yikes. Any idea can infect our mind. It could be positive, but in a world that is plagued by lots of negativity, most of the time the weeds of pessimism grow.

So the holes start to form and as infatuations with substances or material possessions manifest themselves, the holes begin to grow deeper and wider. As we know with all addictions, the more time you spend with something the more your body gets acquainted with it and eventually you need more to satisfy those previous needs. The holes get bigger and they become harder to fill. You know that they are there…but it is easier to fill them with something quick and easy.

The only way to fill these holes is through a deep focus into virtue and character. Sounds funny, but really, it’s true. I’ve been through this…and I am still dealing with a few holes that were developed over many many years. But once you understand that only things like courage, vulnerability, love, passion etc are what matter in this life you can start to go to work on becoming fulfilled. I heard somewhere the other day someone say that in order to grow you must take chances…in order to be happy you must grow…in order to be happy you must be self fulfilled. So in effect we must take chance in order to be happy. Without recognizing the shape and size of that block of cheese within you, you will never become happy with yourself. You may spend a lifetime wondering why this is the case…but if you really look deep down inside, you will see that the answers were always there.

Turn yourself into a block of Provolone. Hole-less.

- Evan Sanders

Into the darkness I walk,

Down those short choppy stairs.

The light fades behind me,

For a moment I look back to stare.

My eyes adjust to the shadows,

All unique in their own hue.

It all seems too familiar,

But I know this trip was due.

I spent too much time basking,

Away in that warm sun.

But knew that there was more in me,

Holes to be dealt with that aren’t really fun.

Time and again my mind stuttered,

Waiting for a better day.

But there is no perfect moment,

When you are trying to find your way.

So down the stairs I walk,

Seeing the crawling memories of past.

Where I kept slipping and falling,

The climb seemed to always last.

But  somethings different about this trip,

Back down into the abyss.

I know what I am going for,

A shot that I will not miss.

I am not fearful, scared, or worried,

That I wont find what I’m looking for.

There is no doubt in my mind,

What life for me has in store.

And once I find it I’ll turn around,

After my time in the dark.

I will have made footprints in the ground,

On a trip I was destined to embark.

-Evan Sanders

They don’t complain.

They want the ball.

They don’t talk.

They let their game speak.

They fail.

They work,

And work,

And work.

It’s not the refs fault.

They have a drive to win.

They find weaknesses,

And turn them into strengths.

They are criticized.

They are admired.

They are ridiculed.

They are celebrated.

And they continue,

To work,

And work,

And work.

Greatness has no complicated disguise.

It looks like work.

It is work.

There’s only one question…

“Do you have the stomach for it?”

- Evan Sanders

You enter the ring,

And you can see,

This is the fight of your life,

Facing Muhammad Ali.

But the scales are tipped,

You hear cloth rip,

Wrapped around your eyes,

To your unpleasant surprise.

‘What do I do?’… you yell out,

But no one answers your meager shout,

You hear the bell ring…here we go,

The crowd amplifies… enjoy the show.

You have a choice…stand there in fear,

Or try to shift, into another gear,

Throw your punches…and try to hear,

When Ali’s feet come fluttering near.

He has speed and reach…’What do I possess?’

An iron jaw…and courage in excess,

I’ll take the punches…I’ll wear the fight,

I’ll fall down, but get up with all my might.

Blow after blow, my body begins to crumble,

But something inside starts to rumble,

‘The blindfold is slipping…I thought it might!’

This is about to become a different fight.

The opponent is worn down… he’s feeling tired,

And while your body is broken…your passion is fired,

You see clearly now, despite the beating,

That the whole journey, was the great meaning.

And Ali disappears out of sight,

Because you have won the biggest fight,

The enemy fought you… on its field,

Little did it know…you would never yield.

And isn’t this fight what life is about?

Being blindfolded before your greatest bout,

But with courage and willingness to take the hits,

The dream you will achieve…and obtain true grit.

Evan Sanders

Please Join My Dream https://www.facebook.com/BetterManProject

Reblogged from Tranquil Dreams:

*I'm going to change my structure of the Book reviews now.  I'm going to just post this link in the review section of Goodreads.  Again, if you'd like to add me to your Goodreads, I'd love to see what you are reading.*

A fellow blogger Evan@ The Better Man Project (click on the link there to see his latest pos) published his new motivational/inspirational book, The Better Man Project.

Read more… 420 more words

- Evan Sanders

Read my Book! Amazon (http://amzn.to/Z0xZXT) iTunes (http://bit.ly/10ix2JQ)

My Facebook Page: http://tinyurl.com/cr36vyn

I had an interesting talk with Watson today. What made the conversation interesting is a discussion about the quote above. “Be so good they can’t ignore you.” I know a lot of people hate on quotography, but for me, when I see the words, I apply it to my life. A long time ago I had a pitching coach tell me that I am my own best coach. I believe that is true. So when I hear people say things or listen to people’s advice, I pick the best pieces and apply them to my own beliefs. But in getting back to the point…the quote, really means something to me.

You have to want to be the best. But more importantly, you have to believe that you will be the best. You have to want to be so good at something that it is impossible for people to ignore that you are in fact, incredible at what you do. But this conversation led to another, which was about gaining respect vs. expectation. And this is the root of what I want to talk about today because it links into the quote above.

Shakespeare said that expectation is the root of all heartache. Very true. I think that if you expect people to be a certain way or do things as you want them to be done, you will be let down. I think you should want to be surprised by people. Delighted. Always think the best of them…but don’t expect anybody to be something or do something. Likewise, it is great to act without expectation. To give, give, give and not expect to get something back. Eventually, as the world works, what you project out will be attracted to you.

Naturally, this conversation came full circle and landed back at the topic of respect. And I think this is what Steve was talking about. You may not be liked as a person, but if you are the best at what you do, and you do it damn well, you are respected. My purpose in life is to go out and project a message that is honest, authentic, and positive – and eventually, I want to be among the greats who have done that same thing. Never demanding people’s respect without earning it…always gaining people’s respect through blood, sweat, and tears. That is how I am going to go about it.

- Evan Sanders

Read my Book! Amazon (http://amzn.to/Z0xZXT) iTunes (http://bit.ly/10ix2JQ)

My Facebook Page: http://tinyurl.com/cr36vyn