Lolly Daskal's Blog, page 129

There are many theories, tools, and techniques on how to make better decisions.

What would happen if we abandoned all the programs, steps, and processes, and simply allowed a tool that we already possess to lead us toward what we want?

Here’s the only tool you really need: The willingness to follow your heart and the consent to grasp its candor.

Following your heart is about observing, watching, knowing, seeing, feeling, and trusting and it requires only discipline in a few areas:

Trust. Trust your judgment. What you need to decide is already within your scope of intelligence and instinct.

No one knows as much as you know about what needs to be done.

 

Fear. We all have fears, but allowing fear-based decisions fuels them further. It allows doubt to rule.

When we make decisions out of our fear we are allowing our doubt to rule.

 

 

Control. Our best decisions are made when we are willing to let go of the illusion of control. It is not that illusion, but the reality of surrender and acceptance that lead us to the truth on which good decisions are made.

Thought. In short, don’t believe everything you think. The head wants us to avoid failure, mistakes, and pitfalls. Its analytical approach will keep us from having the will and courage to make the decisions that lead us to what we really want.

Insight. Confusion sometimes results when we don’t want to agree with the truth. Maybe our truth makes us uncomfortable, and it takes us to our discomfort zone. But confusion disappears in the face of the heart’s truth.

The heart is always helping us to decide, and our confusion is often the smoke screen obscuring our truth.

 

 

Following the heart is an individualized experience. But we each have an inner compass providing answers to our questions and challenges in our decision making.

Decision making from the heart takes courage in trusting and boldness in accepting its challenge.

 

 

Following your heart may make you uncomfortable and the discipline may make you feel fearful. But its wisdom will lead you to innovation, creativity, originality, artistry, and resourcefulness and it requires us to surrender and lead from the unfamiliar.

Lead From Within: Following your heart when it comes to decisions will result in getting you where you ought to be, doing what you ought to be doing, and being who you are meant to be.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

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As leader we are sometimes expected to know all the answers—sometimes even before the questions are known. But buying into that expectation means that we risk sacrificing the very thing we need to lead with effectiveness: the right questions.

That’s why it’s important to resist the clamor for fast answers, any answers, and learn instead to lead with questions.

Some leadership models barely allow for questions. They rely on the idea that intelligence resides at the top, and that leaders don’t ask but tell. The resulting atmosphere makes growth impossible, resulting in stagnant leadership and a workforce that is less smart, less productive, less aligned, less effective, less energized, and less successful.

The right questions lead you to the right answers, which equal the right success.

 

So what are some of the tangible benefits of leading with questions?

Improved Communication:

Leading with questions makes you a better listener. It encourages attentiveness and shared perspectives.

Effective Leadership:

The act of questioning reinforces the idea that everyone is important and that we create success by serving one another.

The power of questions can strengthen relationships, develop new business, and influence others.

 

Conflict Management:

When you’re making genuine inquiries into a conflict, it fosters a spirit of neutrality. Questions that acknowledge the feelings of others can help you view all sides and prevent conflict.

Strong Connections:

Questions help you read and understand key aspects of people and relationships. To ask is to show interest. And people want to know they matter.

Culture of Engagement:

Good questions energize people, and a questioning culture can energize an entire organization. It helps everyone understand that questions are expected to become a primary mode of communication, emphasizing the thinking and learning over telling.

Asking questions shows an inquisitive heart and a open mind.

 

Collaborative Teamwork:

Questions emphasize community over individuality and improve teamwork by giving everyone an opportunity for input.

When we lead with questions, we can help everyone in our organization bring about useful objectives, reduce resistance, pursue innovation and generate transformation.

Lead From Within: A leader is as good as their questions. When you ask questions, you will change what you know. When you change what you know, you will have a new understanding. When you have a new understanding, you change your actions—and, ultimately, your leadership.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

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Painters have a brush, sculptors have a chisel, surgeons have a scalpel, and conductors have a baton—and leaders have language.

In a way, it is language that makes our reality exist. Attaching language to an event, experience, or circumstance allows it to be interpreted, understood,and shared.

We do not speak language; language speaks to us.

 

Talk is the most ubiquitous social activity that human beings engage in. Not surprisingly, it is language that builds the social and cultural worlds we live in. It is arguably the most important resource for exercising more effective leadership.

Language is a system of communication; it is the critical link between the created present and the uncreated future, it is the glue that binds our reality into results.

For leaders, language is a vehicle for making decisions, resolving disputes, enacting practices, measuring results, and sharing innovation and creativity.

Like any other language, the language of leadership has to be learned, honed, and practiced.

The roots of language are logos, ethos, and pathos—the division first coined by Aristotle. We can think of them as an open mind, open will, and open heart.

Logos is the Greek word for “word,” representing the process of thinking. Our thoughts are filled with logic and reason. Logos is leading with an open mind of inquiry. Inquiry leads to new interest, which in turn leads to insight—a hybrid of knowledge and understanding derived from an “inward sight.” The more open your mind and the greater your depth of observation, the more information you can attain.

In leadership language, an example might be: “OK, we’ve thought this through and discovered every logical reason why this approach didn’t work. Now it’s time to ask more open-ended questions and see what insight we can gain.”

Ethos is the Greek word for character (and the source of the English word “ethic”), representing leadership with open will. Ethos is leading with character when we lead with character we build credibility. When we have credibility, we are trusted.To lead means to take chances, to follow new paths. Open will means surrendering to chance, allowing what may come to emerge without resistance.

In leadership language: “Last quarter we did well, but this quarter we have to do great. What can we do differently? What can we give up? What is something new we can try that will help us excel?”

Pathos is the Greek word for feeling and passion. Pathos is the leading with open heart. As a leader, you must have an open heart to relate to others, the language of heart is passion, compassion, and caring.

In leadership language: “I know that this restructuring has been hard for you. Your workload has tripled, and I’m sure you’re extremely stressed. What do you need to make your job easier? I’m here to help.”

With an open mind (logos), open will (ethos), and open heart (pathos), we can be the kind of leader who understands that others must see our character, our courage, our tenacity to be empowered and inspired by us—to be led by us.

Once language is evolved, all of human life is changed.

 



Lead From Within: The function of language is not only to communicate information or label things, but also to bring about an effect on the people in our lives.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

The post The Language Of Leadership appeared first on Lolly Daskal.

“Pretend until you become it, pretend until you believe it.”

What does it mean to pretend?

To pretend is to THINK something you may not yet have the language for.

To pretend is to FEEL something you may not yet have the emotions for,

To pretend is to BE something that you don’t yet feel worthy of.

Many of us think that we have to say, or feel, or be something other than what we are. We say things we don’t mean, thinking it’s what others want to hear. We pretend to feel things that seem acceptable so that others will approve of us.

When we pretend to be or feel what we are not, we deny ourselves the quintessence of who we really are.

 

Life is not about pretending; it is about facing our fears, facing our insecurities, knowing our limiting beliefs.

There is no reason to pretend when we can simply apply our strengths to areas that are not as secure or strong.

How to apply ourselves instead of pretending to ourselves?

Express Your Reality: As leaders, we have difficulty facing the reality of our insecurities, and sometimes we pretend they aren’t there so no one has to know. The truth is who you are is always within you, we must find our strength and move forward into our reality with the parts of ourselves we love, and embody it with everything we do.

To many of us are not living our reality because we are living pretended lives.

 

Live Your Greatness:  When you see great talent and capabilities in others, you may feel that you are lacking something important in yourself. Remember that the greatness you see in them is actually greatness you appreciate in yourself.

When we are inspired by another it is because we recognize greatness within ourselves.

 

Master Your Imperfections: It’s OK to be imperfect. As leaders, owning our imperfections means owning our “real” self. Pretending will never help us recognize the ways in which we are dishonest, with ourselves and with others.

Perfection is not the journey, our destination is authenticity.

 

Lead From Your Source: Leading from our source actually challenges us to find our dreams, intelligence, wisdom, knowledge and creativity.  Leading from our source takes courage, living without pretending takes strength.

Most people fail in life not because they think BIG but because they feel small.

 



When we pretend to be or feel what we are not, we rob ourselves the gratification of who we really are.

Lead From Within:  When we accept all of who we are we are realizing ALL we can become.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

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He sat across from me, clearly nervous and looking ashamed. “I have to tell you something about myself ,” he said, “and I don’t want you to judge me—I want you to help me.”

He explained how at work he would randomly pick a person and walk by and whisper, “Shame on you, they know!“

As he walked away he would turn around to see the person’s reaction, and it was always the same: confusion and bewilderment, followed by worry, then fear, then panic. He could see their deep shame and fear and it gave him some pleasure.

His story made me cringe, but it also taught me some important lessons about shame.

Lesson one: Shame Exists:



Shame is a source within us all. Shame can stem from the belief that we are not good and we are unworthy. It keeps us stuck in ourselves, feeling the pain. It makes us reject ever finding our true self or knowing who we are. This is the fate that resides within us if we live with shame.

Lesson two: Shame and Blame:

Shame fosters the belief that we are to blame, and that we are utterly powerless in our circumstances. Identifying our shame helps us take responsibility for our mistakes without believing we are the mistake. One must learn to be kind and compassionate towards themselves and to have a heart for their own imperfections.

Shame tells us we make mistakes because we are a mistake.

 

Lesson three: Shame That Binds:



Shame binds us when it stays unresolved, shame attaches itself to all our emotions and creates havoc with our feelings. If we want to heal, we have the responsibility to liberate ourselves from our shame with empathy and care. Sometimes we may feel worse before it gets better, but when shame is looked at closely it can free us to be the person we are meant to be without being ashamed of who we are.

Choosing ourselves over our shame gives us an chance to choose life.

 

Lesson four: Shame and Fear:

When shame is laced with fear, it gestures to us that we are in danger and it keeps us feeling ashamed. Facing the fear loosens the grip of shame by helping us understand that our shame is not everything we are and it does not cloak all that we do. Knowing that we can deal with our secret begins to take the weight off.

Lesson five: Shame and Transference:



Shame on you is really shame on me, the ones causing us pain are wounded themselves. Sometimes we look for someone to blame for our suffering, and those who really hate themselves transfer their hurt to lessen their pain. Be kind to those who have hurt you, because they too are hurting. (And if you are experiencing these feelings yourself, please seek guidance, mentorship, and help.)

The ones causing us pain are wounded carriers of shame.

 

Lesson six: Shame Exposed:

Shame is like a wound—if it is never exposed, it will never heal. Discharging shame releases the toxicity of the emotional pain that causes suffering. If we can share our shame with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame will cease to take hold of us. Shame cannot survive if faced with understanding and compassion.

Shame derives its power from silence. It drives us towards our limitations.

 

Give yourself permission to put a stop to shame. If you keep your head down out of shame or fear, you miss the heart of what truly matters.

Lead From Within: Shame exists within all of us. Do not be ashamed of asking for help; find a safe person to share one of your shameful parts of yourself and lead yourself away from self-defeating attitudes.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

Artist: Davit Mirzoyan

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It’s been said that 95 percent of business promotions are based on performance, but results account for only 10 percent of the reasons people follow a leader. The most common reason we follow a leader is because of who they are.

The leaders we remember most, in history or our own past, are the ones who have inspired or empowered us.

We don’t usually remember bosses because they were so smart and could figure out spreadsheets in their head. We remember how they made us feel, how they acted.

The reason these leaders are memorable is because they have a sense of their own purpose.

But you would be surprised how many leaders today cannot even identify what is important to them.

Many say they don’t identify their purpose because they are too busy and they have too much to do.

Our purpose is the foundation of our leadership and life.

 

It gives us the stability to stand, because when the tough times come (and they do) and the ground beneath us begins to shake (and it will) it is our sense of purpose that keeps us solid.

To know your purpose is to know your meaning.

If you know your meaning is to know your direction

If you know your direction is to know your journey

To find your leadership purpose, ask the following questions:

What are my skills, talents, abilities and passion?
What are my values, my beliefs, and my convictions?
What does it look like?
What does it feel like?
What does it sound like?
 How do others know what I stand for?
What can they observe in me that shows them my purpose?

Those who have failed to work towards their purpose have missed the chance at living

 

Lead From Within: Consider where you are now and where you want to go. See your sense of purpose fill in any gaps between what you are doing today and where you are headed tomorrow.

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When people think of CEOs, the general perception is that they have it made.

But what happens when the reality is different then the perception?

The concerns of those who have made it to the top are easy to dismiss. But many CEOs are plagued by feelings of isolation once they take on the top job. 

Half report experiencing feelings of loneliness in their role, and 61 percent of those who experience loneliness believe it hinders their performance.

Those just moving into the top ranks are particularly susceptible—nearly 70 percent of first-time CEOs who experience loneliness report that the feelings negatively affect their performance.

These feelings are not limited to CEOs. Isolation and loneliness can occur in anyone with newfound authority. Leaders owe it to themselves — and to their organizations — to make sure this isolation does not interfere with their effectiveness. 


Those who feel isolated can come across as aloof and distant, leading to a reputation as a leader who is uninterested and cold—which, in turn, makes it harder to lead.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are things you can do to counter any feelings of isolation and loneliness that result from your level of responsibility:

Loneliness is a human condition, as leaders we must learn to cultivate it.

 

Face Reality: Simply acknowledging your feelings of loneliness or isolation can be a relief in itself. Constantly denying these emotions in exchange for a (false) sense of self-assurance is exhausting. Take a moment each day to process and accept how complex, and even frightening, your responsibilities can be. Accepting your reality and feelings is the first step in dealing with them.

Open Yourself To Trust. It takes a lot of trust to break the cycle of isolation and become more open, especially when you are the leader. The trust to open up requires a level of vulnerability that can be difficult to allow, but it’s essential to your happiness and effectiveness. Start small if you need to, but start somewhere.

Find A Support Group: Cultivate a group of trusted advisors from among your peers and create a support group that will help you and others in the same position. Other sources of support may include a great coach, friends, people in other industries. Make a list of those you can reach out to.

Speak Your Thoughts:. If you have ever been to therapy, or even shared an intimate conversation with a close friend, you know that as soon as you tell someone what has been weighing on your chest you start to feel better.

Feel Your Feelings: Your heart expresses the language of feelings, our feelings allow our senses to summarize what our mind interprets, arranges, and directs us to feel.

Our heart has its feelings, not to feel is not to be alive.

 

Isolation causes the loneliness, and it takes trust, bravery, and vulnerability to overcome.

CEOs and other top leaders go to great lengths to maintain a facade of unflappable confidence, concealing any insecurities or anxiety. But this cycle creates dangerous problems for both the leader and the organization.

Leaders simply cannot afford to ignore doubts and anxieties that put their organization’s success at risk—not to mention their own happiness.

Now is the time for leaders to acknowledge these feelings and work to triumph over them.

Our reality cannot be comprehended without taking into account our feelings.

 

Lead From Within: Wherever you are, stay connected to what you’re feeling and hold yourself open to finding ways to work through it.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

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Difficult conversations with difficult people come in all sorts of situations and circumstances.  Often they involve a sensitive topic, and we worry about finding the perfect time and perfect place to approach it.

So how do you engage in a difficult conversation with a difficult person?

The answer is in the heart.

Anything that can be felt can be communicated, and anything that can be communicated can be managed.

 



My method of Redden Mit h’arzTM, translated from Yiddish, means “speak from the heart.” It can help you keep things positive and productive when entering a difficult conversation with a difficult person.

Speaking from the heart is not about the right time or place but about doing the right thing. It does not need to be role-played or practiced, because it comes straight from the heart.

Here are the fundamentals:

Be available: listen without having an agenda or assumptions.

Don’t think Here we go again—I will never get a chance to speak.

Be attentive: listen deeply to everything that is being said. Don’t be dismissive.

Don’t think Same as always—he always has to be right .

Be articulate: Repeat what was said, with vivid and great articulation.

Make it so vivid and expressive that your partner says, “Wow, you get me. I wish I had put it that way.”

Don’t think I’ve heard this a thousand times before.

Next, Acquiesce: Let your partner know you understand his side completely.

Don’t think I can never have a say because he won’t let me state my point.

Acquire: Tell your partner all the things that you’ve just learned from listening to him. Sincerely let him know what you have learned from the conversation.

Don’t think He always thinks he knows everything.

By now, you have placed your difficult conversation with a difficult person in a different context.

You have made room for acknowledgment, appreciation, and approval.

Speak from the heart. Open the space for being heard.

When you speak from the heart the communication is about the other, not so much about you.

When you speak from the heart it is not about reacting but about being interactive.

When you speak from the heart it’s not about frustration but about staying engaged and connected.

When you speak from the heart there are no assumptions or judgment. You are just relating on a deeper level.

When in a bind, allow the heart to lead and let the mind follow.

 Speak your mind but let your heart do the talking.

 

Lead from Within: In business, as in life, difficult conversations happen—with employees, peers, bosses, suppliers and customers, and with a partner or spouse, children, friends. To ignore or handle them badly can bring irreversible damage. Let the heart speak where difficulty resides.

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As a coach, I love listening to the stories leaders tell. Hearing these stories is a great way to get to know someone. It’s always interesting to see how they compare to what I might see or what others experience.

Most of the time, I can tell what kind of leader someone is, and where their insecurities lie, by the stories they tell.

Some leaders need to always be the center of attention.



Insecure about not being heard, they make it impossible not to hear them.

Some leaders need to always be right and have trouble with other points of view.

Insecure that their own information or perspective might not be the best, they make sure their opinion is the only one that counts.

Some leaders need to take all the credit, even for work others have done.

Insecure about the value of their own talents, gifts, and self-worth, they require constant affirmation.

Some leaders engage in bullying, tyranny, and intimidation.

Insecure about their own loneliness, they relate to others only through a limited range of behaviors. 

Some leaders are quick to place blame.

Insecure about their own ability to weather mistakes, they cannot focus on problem solving.

As you can tell, leadership is not an external event but an internal narration.

We all have insecurities, but how we deal with them is a choice.

 

We can own them and work through them, or we can display them without self-awareness and allow them to lead us.

As a leader, learning your insecurities is part of your personal and leadership development—and it is a not a simple task.

Our realities come from deep within us, from the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

Recognizing and working through our insecurities is an important part of being a heart-based leader.

 

The heart of leadership is to nurture the whole person, to grow the whole leader.

Here’s how to get there:

Pay attention: Listen to your own stories and figure out what insecurities they’re revealing. If you don’t have a clear sense of your own insecurities, ask a trusted advisor for their thoughts.

Break the habit: Develop new habits that resolve your insecurities and showcase your heart to those you lead.

Forgive yourself: Once you realize that your insecurities are showing, forgive yourself for being human and know through awareness and forgiveness you can do better.

One of the greatest journeys in life is learning to overcome our insecurities—and in doing so, we begin to reveal our gifts.

Go inward and discover heart; go outward and discover your gifts.

 

Personal and leadership development is not easy. It takes guts and it takes a strong heart.

Our deepest learning comes from inside out.

 

As leaders, when we are honest about our insecurities we become vulnerable in our state of development. Attention to our own experiences can provide insights into the ways we can grow.

Dig deep within yourself and uncover the gifts you have.

 

Lead From Within: As a heart-based leader, we understand as the person grows so does the leader. Recognizing our inner narratives, working on our awareness, and finding the balance of our inside-out leadership lead us to our own heart.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

 

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In 2000 under the leadership of CEO John Chambers, Cisco was at the top of the game. For a couple of days its market cap was number one in the world.

Then in early 2001 came an industry-wide crash, and suddenly Cisco was near death.

Chambers later said that if somebody had told him they would go from 70 percent growth to minus 30 percent growth in 40 days, he would have said it was mathematically impossible.

The company was in a free fall. At its peak in 2000 Cisco stock was $80 a share. By 2002, it was down to $9.42.

Cisco was in deep trouble. But Chambers was intent on turning things around. And he went on to make some great judgment calls.

Within five years, the stock had rebounded to $28 a share with market capitalization of $170 billion.

Chambers’ judgment helped produce one of the most dramatic turnarounds in business history. But this CEO whose leadership transformed and revitalized the company was the same one who was at the helm when it tanked.

And for Chambers, the task was to figure out where he had gone wrong and how to correct the situation. He needed to figure out what had brought them to the bottom.

What brought you here won’t get you there.

 



Many said he should have sensed and identified the crisis earlier, because the signals were there.

But leaders are human, thank God. And because we are human, we sometimes have blinders. We get attached to people. Our view of the facts can become distorted, and we don’t want to believe the worst can happen. But when the day comes that you look around and realize it has happened, what do you do?

Chambers crafted his comeback using a four-point strategy:

Make heart based judgment calls by processing, preparing, planning and proceeding.

 



Process: First he framed what had happened, and what was occurring in the present. He listened, he observed, he learned, he thought.

Prepare:  After assessing all that had occurred, he began laying the groundwork for what needed to happen next. Extensive discussions took place and judgments began to form.

Plan: Then came the time for decisions. Chambers’ plan involved deep staff cuts and a moratorium on acquisitions. But he was also insistent on changing how the company worked together, breaking down silos and reversing the free-spending culture.

Proceed: As he carried out his plan, he kept his focus on a single goal: saving the company.

A good judgment call doesn’t happen with a simple adjustment here and there. It requires complex adjustments, putting together all the pieces to create a plan that can be successfully executed.

It requires the ability to sense and learn—which are the same abilities that can best help to prevent a crisis from forming.

A great leader is always sensing and learning.

 



Heart-based leaders already know how to do these things, because they represent the wisdom of the heart. As you’re processing, preparing, planning and proceeding through any situation, learn to trust what you’re sensing and your ability to separate the important signals from the unimportant.

Lead From Within: Heart-based leaders sense and make good judgment calls well before circumstances become a crisis. Climbing is the only cure for gravity.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

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